Top 10 “Jobs” in Movies, Women’s Version

By Wendy Ward

1 Rose Byrne as a famous/rich hot shit/mess in Get Him to the Greek.

2 Julia Roberts as a “writer” in Eat Pray Love.

3 Anna Mouglalis as fashion designer extraordinare in Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky.

4 Cher as Cher (!) in Burlesque.

5 Kristen Bell as a modern art curator in When in Rome.

6 Cameron Diaz as the owner of a body shop in Knight and Day.

7 Michelle Monaghan as Robert Downey Jr.’s baby mama in Due Date.

8 Ginnifer Goodwin as the fun aunt and ex-sweetheart of Josh Duhamel in Ramona and Beezus.

9 Jennifer Aniston doing god knows what for that apartment in The Bounty Hunter.

10 Viola Davis as a book editor in Eat Pray Love.

Top 10 Ways to Injure Your Ankle and/or Knee

By Andrea Appleton

1 Running, despite your flat feet.

2 Running (with your flat feet) on a trail through an unmaintained section of Druid Hill Park, eyes on the distant horizon.

3 Falling off the rolling office chair that you now use to get around the kitchen because it’s impossible to cook while on crutches.

4 Buying your first pair of heels in New York City and insisting on wearing them to explore the subway system.

5 Kung-fu sparring with your best friend who fights just like you, which means that eventually you are going to bang shins.

6 Taking out the recycling at night, when potholes are present.

7 Missing a step in clogs, with an entire class of second-graders watching.

8 Fucking Supta-Vajrasana.

9 Slipping on a mossy rock with a 40-pound pack on your back, early in the trip during which your boyfriend was planning to propose.

10 Hopefully nothing to do with weddings or aisles.

Top 10 financial outrages of 2010

By Ed Ericson Jr.

1 Mortgage fraud morphs into foreclosure fraud. Turns out the crooks who dummied-up all those fraudulent loan docs are just as adept at dummying-up bogus foreclosure papers. But—ruh ro!—this might mean that loan servicers and trusts lack standing to foreclose. The higher up the food chain this goes, the more money people made by not doing their jobs. If only everyday unemployed folks could do so well by doing so poorly.

2 Income tax rates for the wealthiest are lower than yours. And the plutocrats got five times richer just last year: God Bless America!

3 “ObamaCare” becomes law/myth, simultaneously. As patriots everywhere exclaimed, “It’s health care at GUN POINT!” Too bad it’s not health care for all, or affordable. But, hey, at least it’s not single-payer, right, patriots?

4 Financial “Reform” law passes. The big banks opposed it, but that doesn’t make it effective. Especially since the big banks also dominate the rule-making process.

5 IRS audits more small companies, fewer huge ones. Small fry are easier to catch: better for auditors’ careers.

6 Supremes: “Honest Services” not a requirement for pols, bankers, CEOs. Because, really, who knows what that even means?

7 Goldman Settles Fraud Charges. Yeah, $550 million is the biggest fine the Securities and Exchange Commission has ever levied.  But Goldman Sachs “earned” about $13 billion last year. Goldman doesn’t get to deny guilt, which is kind of good, but its co-conspirator is as yet unindicted.

8 Lehman Bros. Boss Dick Fuld Lies to Congress; no one cares.

Hey, it’s not like he got a blowjob or something important like that.

9 Too Big to Fail Administrator informs world there is no such thing “Too Big to Fail” Because irony-deafness is a prerequisite for this job.

10 The Federal Reserve told AIG not to disclose payments to Goldman. Yes, we found out that U.S. taxpayers gave $13 billion over and above what was necessary to the world’s wealthiest people. But all for a good cause: We saved the system that makes those people unaccountably wealthy.

Top 10 Things Heard by the Person Inside City Paper’s Besty™ Mascot costume While Walking the Mayor’s Christmas Parade

By Besty™ THE CP MASCOT

1 “City Paper!”

2 “Hey, City Paper box!”

3 “Yay, City Paper!”