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Jeffrey Dahmer Was Never Called A “Zombie”*

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News that a Morgan State University student from Joppa allegedly dismembered his housemate and ate parts of his heart and brain brought to Baltimore Sun reporters’ minds Miami’s Rudy Eugene, the naked guy who ate a dude’s face, and Wayne Carter, a New Jersey man who reportedly disemboweled himself and threw his guts at cops. On top of that, an Illinois man was reportedly arrested on May 21 and charged with biting a woman’s cheek, and on May 23 a California man was arrested after biting part of his cousin’s nose off. Meanwhile, former mixed martial arts fighter Jarrod Wyatt is about to go on trial for ripping the still-beating heart out of his sparring partner’s chest and gnawing off his face in a 2010 incident reportedly involving mushroom tea.

Many have grouped these incidents and cheekily called them the first rumblings of a zombie apocalypse. But zombies are the undead; it’s not enough to eat someone’s brains. Here’s a checklist to determine if a human flesh-eating incident qualifies as zombie-related.

*However, Dahmer did tell police that he was trying to turn his victims into functioning zombie sex slaves. “Death was an unintended by-product of his efforts to create a zombie,” as one psychiatrist put it.

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