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Mr. Wrong

Total Recall

Jeez, my house is a potential death trap, man, it’s worse than Cold and Flu Season up in here.

I OWN A PET CAT and I feed it the healthy pet cat food, the Iams brand, the healthy, the natural, etc., and to economize on my pet cat, because I like it and everything, but I like it more when it’s economical, I buy these giant bags of the pet cat food at the Price Club (I’m not gonna tell you which one I go to, but the initials are BJ), and so I feel good about having the pet cat and feeding it decent food, but then the other day I forgot my membership card to the Price Club, so I had to go to the desk and get a temporary one, and I notice there’s a buncha recall notices for defective or dangerous or hazardous stuff, and I see there’s a fucking recall on the pet cat food:

August 14th 2013 - We are announcing a voluntary recall of select Iams Dry products. Although to date, no health effects have been reported, there is the potential for Salmonella contamination. The affected product was distributed to select retailers across the United States, mostly on the East Coast. These limited products were made during a 10 day window, at one of our U.S. manufacturing sites on a single production line. All retailers have been notified of the affected products and are working to remove them. If by chance, one of these affected products got into your hands, please follow the steps below.

We are disappointed to share this news, but please know that 99% of Iams products in the marketplace were unaffected and can be fed with confidence.

I’m a taxpayer, so I’m glad there is a Food and Drug Administration or whatever to make sure the Food That Might Kill You (or your pet cat) is regulated, but how’m I supposed to stay on top of all this Death Food news? Seriously, it’s December, in the Year of Our Lord 2013, and this notice has been up since August, and I have been steady serving my pet cat scoop after scoop outta the 17.4-pound bag of the Iams I bought, specifically the “Iams Cat Food ProActive Health Chicken Adult,” and the pet cat’s been eating the Iams, and the pet cat ain’t dead, but if my memory serves me correctly, there was a lot of emesis going on over the summer, and I know cats tend to do that on a pretty regular basis, the old heave-meow, but I really do think there was some extra gurg in the regurgitations, so I think I am entitled to at least a partial recall-refund.

The problem is, I don’t like keeping the giant orange bag of Iams around my castle, so I put the pet cat food into other containers, and I threw out the bag, which means I have no proof that I have been unwittingly attempting to give my pet cat Salmonella for the past three months, see? And it’s beside the point, the pet cat ain’t dead, right? Look, I’m no lawyer, etc., but don’t me and my pet cat get a little something for the effort? I’m gonna see if there’s some sorta recourse, here, I mean, could I show ’em the pet cat food I still have, show me dumping it out or feeding it to feral cats out in the alley? I mean, it probably doesn’t have any Salmonella left in it because it’s so old, right? Man, my pet cat is lucky to be alive, you know?

Meanwhile, there was another notice up on the wall at the price club, for some “organic” oregano I bought, and that’s not a euphemism for anything, it’s really “organic” oregano, whatever “organic” means anyway, and I bought it because it came in a big glass jar with a cork in it, and it was a lot of oregano, I didn’t care about the “organic” part.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE July 12, 2013 - Olde Thompson Inc. Oxnard, CA in cooperation with the FDA is recalling Earth’s Pride Organics: Organic Oregano packaged in a 2.2 oz. glass jar with cork closure, Lot #: 060367, 060692, 061252 and 061864 due to possible contamination by Salmonella. If you have the recalled product, please do not consume it. Please dispose of the recalled product and its container.

Salmonella is known to cause salmonellosis in humans and animals. Symptoms of salmonellosis include diarrhea, abdominal cramps and fever and are known in some cases to be severe enough to require hospitalization and can cause serious complications or death in young children, the elderly, or a person with a compromised immune system. If you have already consumed the product and have concerns about your health, please consult your healthcare provider.

Healthy people infected with Salmonella should monitor themselves for some or all of the following symptoms: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea or bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramping and fever. Rarely, Salmonella can result in more serious ailments, including arterial infections, endocarditis, arthritis, muscle pain, eye irritation, and urinary tract symptoms. Consumers exhibiting these signs after having contact with this product should contact their healthcare providers immediately.

And I just used this stuff the other night, the “organic” oregano, wowee, I’m lucky I’m not pushing up daisies with my potentially Salmonella’d pet cat, you know? I was making some spaghetti with a lovely sorta bolognese sauce, with the carrots, and the wine, it’s a lotta work chopping up all that stuff and doing all the simmering, you know—and that’s when I unleashed the “organic” oregano. I can’t believe I almost got killed by some fucking oregano. How can so many things have this goddamn Salmonella in ’em? I looked on Google and just the top part of it, the Google, I’m seeing chicken, milk, “pet treats,” juice, cheese, raw fruits and vegetables, “jerky dog treats,” and of course the Iams pet cat food, Jeez, my house is a potential death trap, man, it’s worse than Cold and Flu Season up in here, so go and wash your hands, but I don’t know if it’ll do any good with this alleged Salmonella, you know? I’m gonna be busy trying to get a refund on this oregano, but maybe just stay away from me for awhile. ■

Kindly consider listening to JIM & JOE'S TOP-RATED PODCAST, featuring Joe MacLeod and Spitballin’ columnist Jim Meyer at backoftheclassguys.comAlso available on the iTunes. Email early and often: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

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