The End of the Year as We Know it
Published: January 4, 2012
Hey, it’s a New Year! Did you have a good New Year’s? Are you having a good New Year? It’s a lotta pressure, huh? A shiny New Year!
People get all excited about how it’s the End of the year because that means it’s almost the Beginning of the year, when all that happened was the days on the calendar changed, and now it’s like This Year is supposed to be better than Last Year, you know? Just because it’s a “New” Year! And it’s really not New, it’s just More, right? More Year, you know? I like More better than New, in terms of accurately describing what we are getting, year-wise, so: Happy More Year! Happy Another Year!
It’s not like This Year is gonna be any kind of New and Improved version of Last Year, man, it’s just another tick on the Odometer, ever forward.
Everybody always pisses on Last Year when it’s the “New” Year, like, “Boy, that Last Year really sucked, so This Year, this New Year, is gonna be better.” Way too much pressure for me. I mean, maybe one of those Last Years you experienced was the Greatest Year Ever, and you didn’t know it, because you’re like, prejudiced against Last Years, you know?
Give Last Year a little credit, man, seriously, remember how at the beginning of Last Year it was actually the beginning of This Year? Not This Year This Year, but Last Year This Year, OK? Yeah, and you were all, “Wow, This Year, this New Year, is gonna be so much better than Last Year, man, Last Year sucked it, but This Year, New Year Resolution, New New Year Resolution, not like Last Year New Year Resolution, Old New Year Resolution, blah blah etc.”
So look, let me be the first to be the last to wish you Happy Last Year! Yeah! Arrroooo! Don’t hate on Last Year, man, you used it up, is all, you squeezed it dry, so sure, have a super-terrific This Year, but don’t go besmirching Last Year, you got every day outta Last Year (unless you are deceased, in which case you’re probably not really interested in reading this wherever you happen to be right now), but Last Year? Man, Last Year is just some squares on a calendar where Shit Happened, and you can’t be all superstitious about Last Year just because the numbers changed it into This Year, you know?
I used to get annoyed at This Year because I got used to writing Last Year on stuff like checks and my correspondence to potato chip companies with all my product suggestions, and whenever it was a recent This Year, I’d write Last Year for the year, and then I’d have to cross it out, but I almost never write checks anymore because I pay my bills to the Internet, and the potato chip companies all sent me these legal-looking letters about how I can’t write to them anymore or come anywhere near their employees in the parking lot with my ideas for better potato chip flavors and potato chips made out of macaroni and cheese and gravy and stuff like that, so I really don’t have a problem with This Year anymore, this New Year, while it’s still New.
And when does it stop being New, the year, eh? Like February? February never seems like a New Year anymore, huh? I think the year should end somehow in February, or not exist somehow, personally, I mean everybody’s all jacked up in December because The Man has us all running around buying stuff and hurting our Credit Cards, and then suddenly it’s the End of the year, you know? So I think after January the First there should be an Intermission, when it’s No Year, and then there’s Groundhog Day, and then like maybe another week into February the New Year should start nice and easy, like Preseason Year, and then maybe around Valentine’s Day or something we should start the New Year, and then by March, after we’ve all had a little rest, there won’t be all this weirdness and pressure with the Resolutions that have to start with a hangover or executing an old man in exchange for a baby.
Plus, this New Year, there’s this whole thing about the End of The World that’s supposed to happen, This Year? I mean, everybody’s already been making fun of the Aztecs or the Mayans or whoever had that calendar that runs out in 2012, because like, big deal, the calendar on my desk ran out last year, right? The Mayans just had a bigger calendar, that’s all. But what if this is the Last Year, eh? Then what kinda shit would you be talking about 2011? Man, Last Year would be totally fucking awesome, eh? I really miss Last Year, seriously, that Last Year was the most Wonderful year, mainly because it’s not This Year, where it really is the End of the World and there’s like Space Satellites falling outta the sky and Religion and Asteroids and Tsunami and Hantavirus and Bird Flu and bullet-proof Tuberculosis and Rich People and Poor People and Polar Icecaps melting and people behaving badly with guns and Starvation and Food Deserts and Nuclear Weapons and Nuke-u-lar Weapons and people crashing their cars and War and stuff. Hey, wait, maybe that’s Next Year? Happy Next Year!
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