Thanksgivingfullness' First Finale

Thanksgiving is now, and seriously, Thanksgiving is gravy-stained-hands-down my most favorite of all Holidays-with-a-Captial-H besides Super Bowl. I was pretty sure I even invented the word “Thanksgivingful” (in re: the way I Believe you should order your thoughts in Observance and Execution of this holiday) in a 2008 Mr. Wrong “column” I pooped out on the web site splicetoday.com back when they were paying me to column, which even now I am Thanksgivingful for, the money, even though they don’t pay me anything anymore, but they did, bwahaha! Suckers.

Anyway, back to me and inventing a word for a sec. I tried to look up the word “Thanksgivingful” on the Internet, but stupid fucking Google is like, New & Improved or something, and it doesn’t immediately do that insta-snotty thing it used to do when it thought you spelled a word incorrectly like: “Did you mean ‘Thanksgiving fun?’” Now it just slams you into where it thinks you should be, so when I put “Thanksgivingful,” it just stuffed me into some results for “Thanksgiving Fun” and put this thing next to it that goes “Search instead for Thanksgivingful,” like I fucking told it to in the first place, but then when you go and click on that, it slaps you with the “Did you mean” thing, d’oh! So it turns out lotsa people put that word up on the Internet before me, and therefore I didn’t invent the word, but I am totally Thanksgivingful it got invented, because it’s fucking Thanksgiving, man! Arrooo! Eat and be Thanksgivingful, OK?

Yes, for me, Thanksgiving is all about The Food (and snacks), it’s not about any of that Plymouth Rock landing on Squanto crap, because that is History, and I don’t want my Holiday to be based on shoving some Indigenous Peoples off their land, see? I want a Holiday where I can sit down with People of Good Cheer and break bread and be all Positive and stuff, so I want to say I am not in favor of Indigenous Peoples getting fucked over to found The United States of America, but since we can’t not have a United States of America (just yet), I think some efforts have been made to ameliorate the whole Settlers settling all over the Indigenous Peoples thing, like the whole so-called Indian Casino Gambling deal, but while I am Thanksgivingful for the invention of Gambling, I have never been to a so-called Indian Casino, which is where Native Americans are supposed to get a Piece of The Action of all the Gambling as some sorta partial Compensation for Manifest Destiny and whatever, but meanwhile, I am a Citizen of Baltimore, Maryland, America, and there does not appear to be any organized Casino for the benefit of Native Americans, and even though it is supposed to be legal, there’s no fucking Casino anywhere, and for that I am not very Thanksgivingful, see? So even though nothing got fixed really, as far as History, I would like to move Forward with the Twenty-Ten and be Thanksgivingful.

Right now I have Gainful Employment and it’s so gainful I can afford to have some people come over to fix the roof over my head, which is another thing for which I am Thanksgivingful, a roof, over my head. Seriously, there is some problem with the “Flashing” or the “Step Flashing” or something, and that needs to be Flashed, and there is a “Ridge Vent” or something that needs to be Ridged, so I have been moving a lotta buckets around in my attic when it rains and there’s a coupla spots in the ceiling where you can see into the attic now, but I’m still Thanksgivingful! It’s getting fixed! I have a job and can pay money for stuff like this! Generally in this part of the Geography it is a Necessity to have a roof over one’s head.

Other things I am Thanksgivingful for are Going to The Movies, Recorded Music, Snacks, Beer, and having an automobile, but please to not enjoy Beer and Automobiles in a single serving, OK? This Column recognizes its responsibility as a Role Model. I am also Thanksgivingful for those Rolls you eat with Dinner on Thanksgiving.

I am totally Thanksgivingful for Television, even though I can’t afford Cable anymore, but still, having The Miracle of Television in my castle means on Thanksgiving I can watch the ridiculous Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade while I am having a healthy breakfast in preparation for attempting to fit an entire turkey into my mouth. And look, if you don’t want to eat a turkey, that’s cool, just don’t bust my drumsticks about it, OK? Eat what you want, you don’t have to watch me, and really, we’d all be better off if you didn’t, right?

I don’t really care about Football on Thanksgiving because by Game Time I am usually heavily involved in shoving different kinds of food into my Turkey-Hole, but the other great thing to watch on teevee early on Thanksgiving is the Dog Show, and I am Thanksgivingful for that sketch they used to do on Saturday Night Live where they would go “bam-bam bam-bam-bam bam-bam-bam-bam Dog Show!” Because I like to do annoying things (besides write this column), and so before the National Dog Show comes on the teevee I walk around going “clap-clap clap-clap-clap clap-clap-clap-clap Dog Show!” Aren’t you Thanksgivingful you are not anywhere near me, but most especially on Thanksgiving in the a.m.? See? We can all get behind this Thanksgivingful thing.

Also: gravy.

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