Published: March 30, 2011
I don’t wanna harsh anybody’s mellow or anything, but the deadline for filing the Income Taxes here in the State of Maryland is April 15, in The Year Two Thousand Eleven and No Cents, and then with the Internal Revenue Service in America and the Other taxes, the scarier Federal ones, it is April 18.
So I am going through my Important Business Receipts from Taco Bell and stuff trying to figure out if just by mentioning “Taco Bell” in my column, like, does that mean my last taco-bender is a Legitimate Business Expense, for research and stuff? How else am I going to compose effective and insightful Observations in my column if I don’t go to combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell? Furthermore, can I deduct from my taxables the money I spent to lawfully download the music of the musical combo Das Racist, specifically their song “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell”? Especially since I have never found a combo Pizza Hut and Taco Bell? Because around these parts the only thing I have seen combinated with a Taco Bell is the Long John Silver’s seafood restaurant? Also, can I deduct the mileage for driving to the combination Long John Silver’s/Taco Bell along with the two-Piece Alaskan Pollock Combo and 1/2-lb. Cheesy Potato Burrito I enjoyed on the premises? And a large Mountain Dew? And a Choco Taco for afters? Hey! Did you know if you go to the Taco Bell web site and roll over the bell in the Taco Bell logo it makes the Taco Bell BONG logo-sound? It totally does. BONG! Can I deduct my Internet and computer for using it to determine that fact for my column and then print it in my column as an Important part of my Column about Tax Deductions for Legitimate Business Expensives?
Usually for the Federal Taxes, April 15 is the big day, but this year the “extended deadline” is because when there’s a Holiday in the District of Columbia (which is not a State of The Union but they still have to pay taxes, which doesn’t seem very With Representation, but anyway), it changes the date of what usually happens on April 15, and in D.C. there’s a Holiday called Emancipation Day, on Friday, April 15, the Observed day, to get that Friday “long weekend” holiday, since Emancipation Day is really, accurately, and historically April 16 in The Year Eighteen Hundred and Sixty-Two and 00/100 Cents, when President of The United States of America Abraham Lincoln signed the Compensated Emancipation Act, and basically slave owners in the D. of C. got paid 300 bucks for each of the “persons held to service or labor within the District of Columbia, by reason of African descent” who got Emancipated, and then Honest Abe musta looked at the bill We The People hadda pay for that, and decided hey, fuck it, let’s just skip over the Compensation part and get right to the Emancipating, eh? And yeah that’s right, slave owners got compensated by The United States of America for losing the right to own human beings as property, and I’m pretty sure the cash was tax free, on account of how Income Tax in the United States wasn’t invented until the year Nineteen Hundred and Thirteen (and No Cents).
I’m not gonna get into the whole Reparations to persons held to service or labor within the United States of America by reason of African descent, because I already proposed Casino Ownership as a remedy in several previous iterations of this space, and The State (of Maryland) has seen fit to put that dough in other pockets with its episodic Comedy involving bleeding out various degrees of Inevitable Sanctioned Gambling, to wit: Horse Racing, Bingo, Lottery, Scratch-Offs, Keno, Computer Horse Racing, and most recently, Slot Machines.
Meanwhile, in the Future, here in Baltimore, America, on April 16, Some Green-type people who printed their own money are gonna be selling it, and for like USD $10 you can buy $11 of the “local currency” called BNotes, which you will be able to spend at Participating Local Businesses, which for right now will be found in Hampden, U.S.A. The BNotes I saw have a picture of Frederick Douglass and a Baltimore Oriole on the One and Edgar Poe and a Raven on the Fiver, so that’s pretty cool. There are all kinds of facts about this New Form of Currency at the Web site of baltimoregreencurrency.org, and right now, there’s this guy who recently got busted for making these coins called “Liberty Dollars” and the U.S. Attorney in North Carolina basically called the guy a Terrorist, so I hope that’s not a problem for these BNotes people, since all they seem to be doing is trying to get people to Buy Local and not at Wal-Mart and whatever, and they don’t have a Dollar Sign or GOD printed on the BNotes like the “Liberty Dollar” guy did. Meanwhile, I need to see if I can tax-deduct the money one might spend on BNotes as a Legitimate Business Expense for the next Column one might write about BNotes, and then also I am wondering if at some point I can pay my Taxes with ’em?
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