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Mr. Wrong

Super Bowl is the Polar Vortex of America

It’s generally a good idea to not think too much about anything during Super Bowl.

Why is this week different from every other week? Because this week ends with Super Bowl! XLVIII! Arroooo! Yeah, man, Sunday, Feb. 2, in the year 2014, A.D., is the Forty-Eighth iteration of Super Bowl, the Ultimate Expression of America, tax included.

Groundhog Day is also Feb. 2, which makes this year’s Super Bowl Roman Numeral L minus X plus VIII officially the Most American Day Ever in the history of days after the day when they made America. And you know who They are.

This week people will talk about The Weather, the way people always do, but it will be really important on account of how the weather might affect Super Bowl. I heard there is even talk about moving Super Bowl from “Super Sunday” to Saturday or Monday, even, if the weather is inclement! Can you believe that? Polar Vortex, man, some people are all like, enough, already, with the Polar Vortex, but look at what’s happening here in America because of Polar Vortex! Moving Super Bowl! That’s like moving Xmas, man, only it’s like moving Xmas, New Year’s Eve, and the 4th of July all at once. Plus Groundhog Day. I dunno if I am very pro the idea of moving Super Bowl, just saying. I mean, a lot of people have already planned their alco-hangovers for Monday, Feb. 3, you know? Just saying.

Maybe your team didn’t get poured into Super Bowl this year, and you are sad. It’s OK to be sad about your team, but try and keep your head in the game, man, Super Bowl is bigger than you and your team, Super Bowl is a Uniter, not a Divider. That’s why there’s commercials during Super Bowl, so many of ’em! You can observe and comment on the commercials, and examine them to determine what kinda snack foods you should eat during Super Bowl, and what kinda beer you should drink during Super Bowl, and what kinda car or truck you should drive to or away from Super Bowl. Personally, I enjoy the commercials during Super Bowl, because at no other time do commercials seem so Commercial, you know? It’s like the Academy Award of commercials, only You are the Academy and you vote immediately. Personally, I like to drink beer on Super Bowl and not pilot an automobile, because I do not think gaol is a super-fun place to end up on Super Bowl. Personally, I like to make chili for Super Bowl, so I am generally leaning toward corn chips or tortilla chips as a snack. This year I think I am also gonna make deviled eggs and somehow incorporate them into the chili, like float a devilled egg on top of each bowl of chili? Man, all that stuff combined with beer might be problematic, eh? Personally, I do not give a flying fuck which sports collectives are participating in Super Bowl on “Super Sunday.”

Sidebar: I always thought Sunday was the first day of the week, but Wikipedia teaches us Sunday is the last day of the week, according to this thing called ISO 8601:

ISO 8601 Data elements and interchange formats – Information interchange – Representation of dates and times is an international standard covering the exchange of date and time-related data. It was issued by the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) and was first published in 1988. The purpose of this standard is to provide an unambiguous and well-defined method of representing dates and times, so as to avoid misinterpretation of numeric representations of dates and times, particularly when data is transferred between countries with different conventions for writing numeric dates and times.

Only Super Bowl could make me learn about Roman Numerals and also be concerned with what day of the week Sunday is, you know? Thanks, Super Bowl! This whole ISO 8601 thing means Super Bowl reaches out Uniformly now, across Time and Space and Groundhog Day. You could get all Conspiratorial about ISO 8601 and think this is part of The New World Order if you want, but let’s keep in mind America already crushed the greatest manifestation of The New World order, The Metric System.

Of course, Super Bowl is about Conforming (which is a very American thing), and lotsa people don’t like the idea they have been put into the Bowl with the rest of America, so there’s gonna be all kinds of Reactionary and Alternative stuff (which is a very American thing) that happens when Super Bowl is supposed to happen, like binge-watching of teevee shows that are somehow aesthetically different from Super Bowl content, and there’s gonna be Puppy Bowl and Kitten Bowl on teevee, and a whole bunch of other bowls, I bet, and if you like any of ’em, you Obey Super Bowl indirectly (which is a very American thing), except you are watching cheaper, more inferior teevee commercials, and if you do stuff anti-because of Super Bowl (which is a very American thing), you also are acknowledging its Power over your actions. It’s generally a good idea to not think too much about anything during Super Bowl, which is a very American thing.

And hey, let’s not forget the wagering! Arrooo! In the run-up to Super Bowl, people will be talking about the “point spread” and the “over/under” and stuff, but I like to do the gambling thing where you pick numbers in a grid and if the numbers you pick coincide with the score of the game, you win. So at various times during the contest, if you are involved in one of these grid deals, you find yourself rooting for both sides, but really just for numbers, which appeals to my non-flying-fuck opinion of which teams are playing.

Also during Super Bowl, there is always an awe-inspiring “fly over” of Military Aircraft, displaying to America and The World that We The People associate football, and more importantly, Super Bowl, closely with War, and quite frankly I am always worried during Super Bowl that The Enemy will attack, since We are all watching Super Bowl, you know? And eating snacks, and gambling, and drinking beer. Take Denver, give the points.

It’d be super if you’d listen to Jim and Joe’s Top-Rated Podcast (NSFW), also featuring City Paper’s “Spitballin’” columnist Jim Meyer, at backoftheclassguys.com or even on the iTunes. Email wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

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