Published: April 24, 2013
On the last episode of the Mr. Wrong column—which was last week, because the Mr. Wrong column is now a Weekly column (as God intended)—I announced I was gonna put my entire paycheck from my first-ever Weekly The Mr. Wrong column into a Retirement program, namely: Scratch-Offs. The Mr. Wrong column is a Column of its Word, so I went to the Lottery vending machine at the grocery store and bought $150 dollars of Maryland Lottery scratch-offs, namely: “Double Blackjack Top Prize $2,000!” and “$50 Grand Slam Top Prize $50,000!” and “Hot Doubler Top Prize $30,000!” and “Taxes Paid* Tax Free $50,000!*” and “Wild Cherries Top Prize $10,000!” and my fave, “The Price Is Right® Top Prize $50,000!” and then I Scratched ’em.
It was hard work staying focused on all the different numbers and little pictures of things that might mean a card is a winner. Teeny-tiny lil’ playing cards and eentsy-beentsy pictures of stacks of coins or money bags or bundles of cash or baseball bats or etc. When you are doing A Hundred and Fifty Dollars and no Cents of scratch-off scratching, the itsy-bitsy numbers and pictures all start to look the same, seriously, I checked my pile of losing cards over a couple-three times and even found a coupla winners that I missed. You know, I bet a lot of people scratch-off some scratch-offs and don’t even realize they won, especially if they are in a dimly lit environment, you know? I think there should be a little note on the scratch-off that has winner near the little winning symbol or number or whatever, just to keep it fair, you know?
The * on the “Taxes Paid* Tax Free $50,000!*” means:
The Lottery will pay the required estimated State and Federal tax withholdings applicable to U.S. residents on the $50,000 prize at the required withholding rate. Further amounts may be owed. Winner is responsible for all other taxes, including income taxes in excess of withholdings paid by the Lottery. The Lottery will not pay tax withholdings on any other prize amount. Child support arrearages and certain other debts to a State agency or other governmental entity will be withheld on all prizes over $600, and other outstanding State debts will be withheld from all prizes over $25,000. For the $50,000 prize, child support arrearages and other debts to a State agency or other governmental entity will be withheld from the $50,000.
Man, this particular scratch-off seems like it just wants to get people in trouble, you know? I am gonna consult a Tax Professional to see if I should try and scratch this one anymore, even though I won $50 on one already.
So anyway, after all the scratching and the eye exam, I ended up with a Net Return on Investment of $99, which means I’m $51 in the hole, but also, conversely, it means I have another $99 to blow on scratch-offs! Which I will blow and report back next week post-blow and scratch.
Along with a bunch of scratched-off scratch-offs, I ended up with a pile of scratch-off dust. There’s nothing sadder than a pile of scratch-off dust, especially when you are a loser at scratch-offs, but that’s not me, man, I’m still alive! I’ve got another $99 to scratch, and the scratch-off dust, I always scoop it up and dispose of it properly, you know? I do not support litter! Furthermore, I support people who do not support litter, so I am very pro this group called “Zero Litter” here in Baltimore. They are very anti-litter, but they are also pro-Cleaning Up, which I always do in front of my house, and I think if there’s litter on the street in front of your house, you should pick it up before the wind blows it over to in front of my house, you know? To be a Good Neighbor, I also pick up trash a little bit to either side of my house, and all the way across the street in part of the ball field and unauthorized dog-poop-park that is across from my house. I don’t care who the fucking slob is who threw a candy wrapper or a soda bottle or a liquor bottle or some unidentified brand of cigarette out on the street or the field across from my house, I clean it up, because I don’t want to have to look at it, but also, otherwise, it looks like I’m the one who is a slob, you know? Even if it’s some nasty fucking dogshit that some nasty, lazy, dirty owner of a dog left out on the grass. And hey, nasty, dirty, slob owner of a dog, taking the shit that came out of your dog and then putting that shit in a plastic bag and then leaving the goddamn plastic bag full of dog shit on the ground? That is not curbing your dog, that is disgusting and not being a Good Citizen. That’s you being a lazy piece of shit that I would like to put in a plastic bag, so pick up your dog’s poop, because you’re making your dog look bad. It’s embarrassing, I bet, for the canine, to be owned by you.
Speaking of being a Good Citizen, The “Zero Litter” group has a dot-com of zerolitter.com, and it also has a Twitter-thing of @ZeroLitter, and a Facebook of facebook.com/ZeroLitter, where they have pictures of people cleaning up litter, and they also have pictures of litter, and one type of litter that is right up there with dog poop, which is the Baltimore Sun “Sun Plus,” which I see out on the street all the time. I don’t think people order the “Sun Plus,” it seems like it’s delivered out on the sidewalk in front of the houses of people who get the regular Sun. I’m not sure, all I know is there’s a lotta “Sun Plus” lying around on the street, you know? It’s as preventable as dog poop, c’mon, Sun, let’s think about a better way to put the “Sun Plus” out there, OK? I would also like to hear from one person who ordered a “Sun Plus,” or no offense, actually reads the “Sun Plus.”
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