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Spitballin’

Spitballin’

Ravens-less to-do list

Well, they say it ain’t over till the fat lady sings, but honestly, they say a lot of really stupid stuff. Ever heard “Slow and steady wins the race”? Makes for terrible NASCAR strategy. How about “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”? Why not slam your ankle in a car door for nine straight hours and see if you can suddenly lift a bus. And how about “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Tell that to Larry King’s marriage counselor. So even though I’ve heard no plus-sized crooning ladies around the stadium at the moment, for the Ravens, it’s over, and in the spirit of it being over, I give you 10 things to obsess over until baseball season.

10. Fix the roads: Just imagine if every Ravens fan took the time they normally spend hand-dying feathers to make their purple gameday boas and instead went out and filled just one pothole? I’m not a populationologist, but by my estimates, there’s got to be hundreds of people in this city. By January, The Alameda would be flatter than my career trajectory.

9. Repopulate the zoo: I’m not sure the last time you went to the zoo, but it’s seen some hard times. I think they’ve got, like, 11 animals now, seven of which are squirrels, and I’m pretty sure the giraffe is just two guys in a horse costume with the head on the end of a mop. Now, I’m not suggesting you go out and steal animals from the National Zoo (but that is a good idea, and while I’m not suggesting it, I’m totally for it if you decide to do it on your own) or engage in some sort of Island of Dr. Moreau genetic rat/pitbull/lost Inner Harbor tourist hybridization, but you can come up with something. You can accomplish wonders with a zoology textbook, some papier mache, and a bit of gumption.

8. Finally, put up those shelves: You know the ones. The IKEA ones, I think they’re name is Fahrvergnügen, and they’ve been in the trunk since April. Now is the time to finally put them up! Then, if the O’s go out early next year, you can finally put up your Hummels.

7. Start a do-gooder campaign: Inevitably, when someone has too much time on their hands, they start taking things too seriously, maybe even start to obsess. Next thing you know, their Subaru is covered in bumper stickers and they’re boycotting the Cold Stone Creamery. Now it’s your turn, take this time to get all high and mighty. Perhaps some reporter’s been slandering the zoo and you’ve had just about enough of it. I’ve got the campaign slogan for ya, all ready to go: Fire Jim Meyer. It even rhymes.

6. Get even with Canada: We’re halfway through the two-year statewide celebration of the War of 1812 Bicentennial, and the Canadians still think they won. Now, either they’re right and they did win, or they’re wrong and deluded. Either way, the Canucks need some payback. Just think of the great ideas you’ll come up with if you spend your football time plotting revenge. If you work together, you might even be able to trick them into taking back Celine Dion.

5. Model rocketry: This one is my best suggestion yet. I think you’ll really enjoy this. It’s outdoorsy, you’ll learn about science, and you get to use glue, which I know you enjoy. This one is seriously a no-brainer. And if you get bored of building model rockets, you can fire rockets at models. Makes those Bravo reality shows WAY more interesting.

4. Turn back the wall clock in the kitchen: Did you know it was just daylight savings time? Yep! We gained an hour last weekend, but we both know an hour isn’t enough time to adjust every clock in the house. That’s why normally one clock—usually the ugly one shaped kind of like a flower in the kitchen that came with the house and you’re not even sure why you kept it since the stove and the microwave both have clocks anyway—never gets fixed and is just wrong six months out of the year. Now, with all that football time you’re saving, you can finally set the clock! Of course, if the Orioles have a strong season, it will just be wrong for the other six months.

3. Make a Baltimore TV show about citizens who take care of puppies: I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but there are a bunch of TV shows about our fair city, and they terrify the rest of the world that isn’t in Michigan. (Little-known fact: The city sends copies of The Wire to Detroit to encourage tourism.) Now that you’ve got some time to kill, why not get famous and make your city look good? You could make a show where Baltimore is full of sexy strippers who teach orphans. Or maybe one where sassy grandmas teach us all lessons about friendship. How about a show where the wisecracking, fun-loving deputy mayor exacts revenge on Canada? You figure it out, you’ve got time.

2. Spend time with your family: Just kidding. Before we get drastic, there’s still drinking.

1. What you’re probably going to do despite my list: Spend hours on sports talk radio, demanding the retirement of Ozzie Newsome, the cutting of Joe Flacco, and that a rocket be built to strap John Harbaugh to so that he may be fired at the sun.

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