Scratch to Dream
Published: June 5, 2013
My American Dream of turning an entire week’s worth of paycheck for the Mr. Wrong column into kabillions of millions of dollars is officially over. OK, the Dream part is not over, the Dream will never die, because I still Believe in scratch-offs and the Lottery and Gambling in all its many Important and Beautiful forms (including the Stock Market), but let’s just say this particular phase of the Dream is at an end, the Dream where I was gonna convert One Hundred and Fifty Dollars and No Cents, i.e., one installment of the money I receive in exchange for each freshly minted Mr. Wrong column, into scratch-offs, and then convert those scratch-offs into some Real Money, yeah! It was a great phase of my Dream.
The Business Model employed in this Wagering endeavor was the “All or Nothing” model of Business, to wit: Taking any amount won on any scratch-off and plowing it back into buying more scratch-offs until I became Millionaire-Kajillionaire, or until I became Guy Who Blew Paycheck on Lottery Tickets, so, on the Optimistic side, I have achieved approximately 50 percent of my Plan, and I have to say “approximately” because I sorta of mixed my regular funtimes scratch-off gambling into my Business Gambling a little bit. Sometimes I see an exciting New scratch-off someplace and I compulsively Invest in it, you know?
I scratched so hard and so long, I developed numbness and tingling in the side of my index finger on my left hand, the Unwinning Hand, the hand that never did reveal a prize of $1,000,000 1million which is how they put it on the cards, where it is printed as a potential prize underneath the stuff you scratch off. Here is a list of the games I attempted to become a Millionaire or at least a Thousandaire via:
double blackjack top prize $2,000!, $50 grand slam top prize $50,000!, hot doubler top prize $30,000!, taxes paid* tax free $50,000!*, wild cherries top prize $10,000!, the price is right® top prize $50,000!, get rich! top prize $1,000,000!*, top prize $100,000! 10x payday payout, 2x cash top prize! $20,000!, top prize $77,700! 7x the money, aces high top prize $50,000!, blackout bingo top prize $30,000
The most I won on any one card was $50, and the card I won the most times on was get rich! top prize $1,000,000!*, the last card I played, and I played it like five times in a row because I would get down to one card,then I’d win $25, so I’d go buy another get rich card (they cost $20) and I’d buy a $50 grand slam top prize $50,000! (because those are five bucks) and I’d lose on grand slam, and hit again on get rich, and I ended up getting really mad at the get rich card for not putting me out of my misery, until it did. Game over!
Many of you probably already thought: “Are you kidding me? You get $150 for that thing you call a Column? People pay you money to ‘write’ about whatever the fuck it is you write about? Why are you blowing your money on gambling? You already hit the lottery!” To which I reply: “Yes!” However, I win in other ways, thanks to the Gentle Readers:
Welcome back, Joe! You have no idea how much I’ve missed you! I’m not into horoscopes. (Yes, I’m what would be considered a Capricorn.) I’m not enough of a fan of the O’s and Ravens to enjoy Spitballin’ all the time and Dan Savage’s column got too disturbing. Hell, I miss Brian Morton, and I’m not even a liberal (I once offered to come to Baltimore to help him kick some of his detractors’ asses). Yeah, I’m the same conservative Central Pennsylvanian who once recommended that you get a government job. I do like the homeless guy’s column. I’d like to see more of them. Again, welcome back!
GOOD MORNING ( : & HAPPY SATURDAY!! I JUST READ UR ARTICE,’MR. WRONG, STILL SCRATCHIN” CONGRATS ON UR WIN & I AGREE THAT THE TICKETS SHOULD HAVE A PLACE 4 “WINNER” OR “NON~WINNER” I ALSO BELIEVE THE REASON THEY DO NOT HAVE THAT PRINTED ON THEM,IS BCUZ,UR RIGHT ALOTA PPL DON’T REALIZE THEY’VE WON & DO NOT CASH IN.THEIR TICKETS! THE LOTTERY DOESN’T HAVETA PAY OUT THAT $,WHICH MEANS,(I’M SURE U KNOW) THEY SELL THE SCRATCH OFF,GET THAT $ & KEEP THE PRIZE! IT’S A WIN,WIN 4 MARYLAND(AS USUAL) I LOVE UR COLUMN(WHEN I HAVE TIME 2 SIT & READ IT) I ALSO CAN’T STAND LITTER & ALSO PICK IT UP. I ALSO P/U THE SUN PLUS & READ SOMETIMES, BUT MOSTLY,I P/U 4 THE COUPONS/ADS INSIDE. THANK U AGAIN!! GOD BLESS U
In reading your column this good morning (okay, I only got halfway thru the thing), I read with interest your idea about swift enforcement of handheld phone violations while operating a motor vehicle. So, it got me thinking—an entire new private industry could arise, much like the tow truck racket, but of mobile car+phone-person compactors. They would be jockeying for business through and through, stimulating the economy, reducing distraction fatalities, recycling useful materials, and providing schadenfreude to all except the compacted.
OK, I have to put my phone down now, traffic’s getting heavy.
Loved your column, but you left out the part about those ass hats who double park directly in front of a perfectly good parking space.
It was a whim that I went to the City Paper on the internet and saw that your column was back. I haven’t read it in AGES, and I mean a long time because I was always so disappointed when your column wasn’t in there (or at least one I hadn’t read yet.) So imagine my delight when I see that you are back every week!!!!!
The City Paper now has a renewed reader (me!). And maybe I’ll even patronize some of those wonderful new restaurants that I’m sure you’re going to write about, or at least restaurants that appear in other places in the CP.
and keep on writing
and I don’t have any suggestions for ideas for your column. (ha)
Funny column. But you know what would be really funny? is . . .
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