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Mr. Wrong

School Should Still be Out for Summer

Who learns anything in August while the swimming pools are still open?

Can you feel it, how it’s different right now, the summer? I don’t want to, because summer is my favorite, but right now it’s almost like it’s kinda tired, right? From being such a powerful American Summer?

I get up in the morning now (most of the time) and there is a traitorous fall coolness in the air. I take a walk around and the flowers are still open for business, dealing with bees and stuff, but they’re a little frayed around the edges, and they all look like they could all use a nap. I know we can’t have full-on-righteous summer every minute all summer long, but this season I was hoping we’d make it through September without this chilly lil’ whiff of Doubt in my summer, you know?

This is the time of year, in addition to all the regular stuff that irritates me, I get bonus-irritated by people who start talking about how summer is over. It starts with the “Back-to-School” stuff, which I strenuously object to, “Back-to-School,” on account of how it always seems to coincide with the Death of summer, you know? It’s not my imagination! Plus, school starts around here in August, yeesh. That sucks! “Well, summer is over, and it’s ‘Back to School,’ blah blah, blergh . . .” Man, I’m glad I don’t ever have to go to school ever again, no offense to any schoolchildren or school adults who went Back to School this week. Ouch. Besides, who learns anything in August while the swimming pools are still open? Let’s go swimming while we still can!

This is kinda totally off-topic, but it was also really super-annoying during My American Summer to have to hear about this recent Official Dog of the President of the United States, or First Dog of the Family of the President or whatever. Jesus Christ, seriously? We need to spend time on my afternoon Basic Cable heads-talking-about-the-politics teevee shows being clever about the POTUS-Dog? Oh, look at us, we’re reporting on the Distracting Press Photo-Opportunity! We’re gonna piss away a coupla minutes when we could talk about something Real by doing a clever wink-wink thing about the latest prop installed in the White House! Did they not already have a Presidential Canine? So now there are two POTUSD? Is this some sorta coded message to Biden? Why am I thinking about this dog crap? Isn’t there like, Government and America and The Planet stuff we should be hearing about on my pundit shows? Is this why they (and you know who They are) moved Hardball to 7 p.m.?

Anyway, summer goes until Sept. 21! Go get a motherfucking snoball and suck on it until your head cracks open! It’s still summer, godammit! But even the grocery stores, places I trust so much I go there to buy food to keep myself alive, these grocery stores are selling My American Summer down the river; I went to the stupid fucking grocery store the other day and they had the goddamn Thanksgiving paper plates out already, with the turkeys and brown and autumnal fucking orange colors! Autumnal! Hate is a strong word, but I hate that shit in August! No Thanksgiving yet! Too soon! It’s still summer! No turkey! Unless it is a turkey burger on the grill, that’s fine. I would like a nice grilled-on-some-charcoal-briquettes turkey burger with a side of maybe some sorta nice quinoa salad (it is a “super food”) and a bottle of Mexican Coke, please.

Man, that Mexican Coca-Cola, I know sugar is bad now more than ever, but I still love me a cold, fizzy Mexican Co-Cola, which is made with sugar instead of corn syrup, if you believe labels on stuff. Try some if you haven’t, seriously, it’s most refreshing, even though there’s something going on with this Mexican Coke, I think. I mean, you can score 12 Fluid Ounces (355 ml) for around a buck a bottle at the Costco “price club,” if you buy a giant thing of ’em, like 24, I think, which is problematic in terms of lifting all those glass bottles, or you can get ’em retail around town for around two bucks a bottle, but I’m starting to wonder about where this stuff comes from, you know? I mean, this liquid is coming all the way from Mexico? Really? I have a conspiracy-theory feeling here, but I really enjoy the MexiCoke, and there’s even Mexican Pepsi now, competition-wise, so obviously the Cola Wars are turning a buck on my white-sugar jones, but then I think, what about the Carbon Debits and stuff, the Credits, whatever that system is to feel bad when you buy something from far away? To ship my Hecho en Mexico Coke all the way from where it was hecho en? You can even get it on the Amazon on the Internet, but it’s like $47.50 for 24 bottles, so it’s not really a deal, even though it’s free shipping, and again, I would feel kinda weird having this delivered to my house, in terms of how many Carbons got burned up to get it there, but if you buy one in a Mexican restaurant, I think you get a pass, right?

Anyway, yeah, sure, the nights are cooler now, but it’s still summer! Don’t let the news-lemmings and the echo-chamber talk you out of your enjoyment thereof! I’m gonna barbecue some turkey burgers at night and swill Mexican Coke until I find out everything is a Lie, but you need to believe summer is on until Sept 21, or you will fall for anything.

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