Please Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself
Published: April 10, 2013
Welcome back, possibly for the first time, Gentle Reader, to the “Mr. Wrong” column, which used to be every other week, and then it was every other-other week, and then most recently it was never-any-week, right here on the pages and pixels of Your Baltimore City Paper and dot-com.
But now here it is, right here in front of your eyeballs, or maybe being read into your earholes, a “Mr. Wrong” column. I gotta tell you, I am as puzzled as most (but of course nowhere near as angry as some) as to why City Paper’s formerly erstwhile “Mr. Wrong” column is back on paper-pages to get ink on your fingers, but the how of it is The “Mr. Wrong” column is now Weekly, as in Every Week, as in: All I Ever Wanted as a Column, and so, recently, since for some reason it made sense to somebody somewhere to say “Hey, ‘Mr. Wrong’ column, would you like to be a Weekly column in the Weekly City Paper newspaper?” I, as the Designated Driver of the “Mr. Wrong” column, said “Weekly? Yes.” I probably shoulda asked about the Money first though, eh? Ouch.
Whatever, even if they (and you know who They are) pay me less than what I was getting before, I’ll make it up on Volume, you know? I mean, I always knew I could poop out a “Mr. Wrong” column more than once every-other week, are you kidding me? That is one of the Fundamental Pillars of the “Mr. Wrong” column, man, Always Be Columning! I could write one of these every day, seriously. I love these columns who are all, like, “Oh, it is so difficult to Craft and Wordsmith and be a Writerer of a column every [however many times column comes out],” or better yet, “This column will be on Vacation next week,” I say, “Are you fucking kidding me? ‘Column’ means on the Regular,” and as long as the “Mr. Wrong” column is weekly, I will file one, a column, on the weekly, whether you like it or not.
Yeah man, so now I am back, Getting Paid on a weekly basis to leave words on a page for you, the Gentle Reader. It’s up to you to read them. If you are a Hater, first of all, I can’t believe you got this far, wow, but you can stop reading now, because ain’t nothing changed, man, seriously, this thing is back on, no filter, and it might even be crappier and more annoying to the Hater than it was before, or at least I hope so, OK? Welcome back to Me, suckers!
For those of you who have never encountered a “Mr. Wrong” column, welcome. If your first question is “What can this ‘Mr. Wrong’ column do for me?” I say to you, nothing. Not one thing. If that’s your attitude, you’re not gonna be happy here, you are gonna read this column and end up being a Hater, so I would ask that you leave now and please to enjoy the rest of your life, because the way the “Mr. Wrong” column works is you sit back and relax, OK? Don’t be coming at me with an agenda. The “Mr. Wrong” column is its own agenda.
If my memory serves me correctly, the formerly final episode of the “Mr. Wrong” column occurred in September, in The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Twelve and No Cents, Anno Domini, Plus Tax, so that makes it about six months since there has been no Wrong in Your Baltimore City Paper, and many things have happened in Baltimore, America, since that time so long ago. The number one Happening thing being the State Government of Maryland, my Maryland, got the “Table Games” approved for all the Casino Gambling that’s been going on since Casino Gambling became Legal. That means Cards, Dice, Roulette, all the stuff that makes a Casino a Casino, you know? Of course there is still no Casino Gambling in the City of Baltimore, even with my previous helpful suggestions for pitching a nice big Gambling Tent or having a lovely Gambling Barge floating around in the Inner Harbor, or having slot machines at the fucking Horse Racing track where they already have Gambling, or in our Public Schools (since it’s all for the benefit of Education anyway), but there’s still that nice big lot down on Russell Street, now with some plastic wrap going around the fence, and there are words and logos and stuff on the plastic wrap promising Casino Gambling at a thing called “Horseshoe,” which is a little confusing, but anyway, since Gambling in all its forms is another of the Fundamental Pillars of the “Mr. Wrong” column, I will be monitoring that vacant lot closely here in The City That Reads the Daily Racing Form. Meanwhile, nobody in this City or State has the Vision to give us what We The People need here in Maryland to stay competitive with our neighboring states and make a “Sports Book” operation someplace, where The People (me) can get a bet down on a Sporting Event or an Election or whatever else there is to bet on (everything), you know?
A buncha new restaurants have also opened during the Dark Days of the absence of the “Mr. Wrong” column, and that’s good for the economy. The “Mr. Wrong” column will be addressing the world of waitstaff to remind them how to get a good tip and leave me alone and don’t ask me if I’m still “working on that,” jeez.
Meanwhile, very soon, the fresh faces in our area Institutes of Higher Learning and Trade Schools will be looking toward the Outside World, many of them, those faces, wondering “What’s Next?” And, as I remind all local Colleges, Trade schools, and Universities of my availability as a speaker on Commencement Day, the “Mr. Wrong” column will provide its Commencement Day address, full of practical advice on how to hurry up and get a job as a waitstaff (see above).
All this and more, in upcoming episodes of the “Mr. Wrong” column, back now from the wilderness, or the mountain top, or whatever, back as it has never been back before, every week (except maybe for stupid “Special Issues” where they don’t have the “Regular Issue” parts), and I will make up for my absence, very hard. The worst is yet to come.
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