Published: April 4, 2012
So this week is Baseball Season, the beginning of it, and I’m totally into it, attending Baseball Games, even though I generally don’t start “paying attention” to Baseball Season, statistically, with “The Standings” and stuff—which is suspiciously like Math if you look at it closely and from a certain angle—until like around July 4 or the All-Star Game or around there, but I will totally go to the “Blue Collar Opening Day” this week, which is the day after Opening Day, and for me, enjoyment-wise, it is totally a better First Day of the Baseball Season on the Home Field to experience, because it’s not gonna be attended by a big knot of people who go to Opening Day just because it is a Thing. You know what I mean?
C’mon, you know what I’m talking about, people who get tickets to stuff because they think since a lot of people want tickets to it, that it’s a good thing to get tickets to, even though they don’t care? Right?
Seriously, I have been to a few Opening Days of the Baseball, and no offense, but a lot of the people in the seats are kinda lame, man, they are just there because they heard lotsa other people are gonna be there, and whatever they hadda do to get the ticket just confirms how correct they were to want to be there, because of how hard it mighta been to get the tickets, or how easy it was to get the tickets somebody else really would like to get, and they all look very pleased with themselves, to be at Opening Day, seriously, I have seen it, when I have gone to regular Opening Day, I have been in the Cheap Seats and the up-close good ones they keep in a Box, and no matter where I sit, on Opening Day, I look around, and sure, I see lotsa Fans, and that’s good, but then I also see way too many of these Ticket Hogs, and you can look at ’em, and see into their little Ticket-Hog brains, and they are going like: “Hey, look at me, I am at Opening Day, not everybody gets to be at Opening Day, huh? But I am here, so how cool is this, huh? Look at me, I am at this Thing that some people really wanted to be at, but they couldn’t, because there are only so many tickets, and I got one, and this is awesome, and so am I, etc., blah, blah . . .”
It’s none of my business, of course, and people can go and do whatever they want, but those people are Boring, man, they don’t put any Energy into the stadium, you know? They are only Energized about being themselves, and they are not providing any Psychic Energy for to Root, Root, Root, for the Home Team, see? This is Baseball, man, the whole Mental Aspect of it is very important! You gotta be Positive and not selfish!
So I’m not going to Opening Day, because all those bandwagonesque people kill the mood, man, they harsh my mellow, because that is not what I consider to be the appropriate way to be at Opening Day, which, in my opinion, goes a little something like this: HEY HOLY CRAP IT’S BASEBALL SEASON! THE FIRST DAY! ARROOO! AS THE SEASON OF SPRING SIGNIFIES THE BEGINNING OF LIFE ANEW, THE ETERNAL CYCLE, SO DOES THE GLORIOUS NEWNESS OF THE BEGINNING OF THIS SEASON OF BASEBALL, AND WE ARE, RIGHT NOW, AS GOOD AS ANY OTHER TEAM! WE CAN WIN TODAY! AND EVERY DAY AFTER THAT! I WANT A HOT DOG! LAST YEAR MEANS NOTHING! THERE WAS NO LAST YEAR! THERE IS ONLY NOW! AND TODAY! IT IS BASEBALL SEASON, THE FIRST SEASON! PRETZEL! WE HAVE A SHOT! WE ARE GONNA DO IT! NOBODY, RIGHT NOW, TODAY, IS BETTER THAN WE ARE! BEER! NO TALKING ABOUT LAST YEAR! THIS IS THE YEAR THERE IS ONLY THIS YEAR! I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET ABOUT LAST YEAR! BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY THE RIGHT NOW OF THIS YEAR! AND THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR THAT IS THE YEAR, YOU KNOW? PLAY BALL! BEER!
Anyway, I coulda got tickets to the traditional Opening Day, I’m not harshing on it because of anything like that, I am just totally over Opening Day and totally pro the “Blue Collar Opening Day,” because it is not a Thing, and even though it kinda has a name, it is still Thing-resistant, because it’s just the second day of Baseball, you know? It’s not hard to get tickets! Nobody cares! It’s that classic “who finished second in the Olympics” thing, you know? All the Ticket Hogs who were at Opening Day for their lemming-herd reasons won’t be caring about baseball again until the next game they hear about for which it is hard to get tickets. So I like that because it is Low Expectations, see? You buy a ticket you didn’t have to jump through hoops or call in a favor to get, you show up, and there is Baseball. Play Ball! Beer!
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