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Mr. Wrong

Mission Accomplished

I am gonna miss Osama Bin Laden. Now please don’t let me be misunderstood here, OBL getting double-tapped out doesn’t change anything for the thousands who got blown up in the towers or killed fighting wars in all the places we (as in U.S.) have been warring, and I am totally pro Mr. bin Laden getting his ass wasted by Us (as in U.S.), although the whole running around with flags and chanting “USA” is always disturbing, rabble-wise, but look, now it’s like, who is the world’s Pre-eminent Evildoer, you know? I worry about these things. It’s not like there’s a Nomination Committee or anything, and so many of those “Al-Qaida Number Two” guys have been popped they probably aren’t even sure who the No.-1-No.-2 dude really even is right now, eh?

I’m looking at the FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted” list where they now have a nice red DECEASED under OBL’s mugshot, and these other mugs up there, no offense, they just don’t have the candlepower OBL was packing in terms of being a Bad People. Robert William Fisher, this guy killed his wife and kids and then blew up their house. Definitely a horrible excuse for a Human Being, but not much compared to OBL in my opinion, Evilwise. And Alexis Flores, this guy is wanted in connection with the kidnapping and murder of a 5-year-old girl, so he doesn’t have any Fervent Followers behind that kind of horrible shit who will want to Dirty Bomb something in retaliation for his assassination, you know?

Right now if I could number the Public Enemy list—even though they (and you know who They are) don’t number it and don’t call it that because I guess it would be too confusing with Flavor Flav and those guys—I would put Semion Mogilevich up for my trending Number One, because he is wanted for “Fraud by Wire; RICO Conspiracy; Mail Fraud; Money Laundering Conspiracy; Money Laundering; Aiding and Abetting; Securities Fraud; Filing False Registration With the SEC; False Filings With the SEC; Falsification of Books and Records,” so he’s a pretty imaginative guy, plus he has lotsa Nefarious Aliases. According to the FBI, he goes by “Seva Moguilevich, Semon Yudkovich Palagnyuk, Semen Yukovich Telesh, Simeon Mogilevitch, Semjon Mogilevcs, Shimon Makelwitsh, Shimon Makhelwitsch, Sergei Yurevich Schnaider, and ‘Seva,’” and that third alias is kinda hilarious, as far as my inner 12-year-old child is concerned. Also-plus, Semion is listed as 290 pounds, and his nationality is Ukrainian, so that gets him into the James Bond Supervillain category with the International Intrigue, you know? But it doesn’t look like he killed anybody, and really man, nobody’s got aliases like the late OBL, check these: Usama Bin Muhammad Bin Ladin, Shaykh Usama Bin Ladin, the Prince, the Emir, Abu Abdallah, Mujahid Shaykh, Hajj, and the Director, how Goldfinger is that shit, hah?

If the FBI nails Semion, I would nominate Jason Derek Brown, whom I have as runner-up right now. This fellow is wanted for Unlawful Flight to Avoid Prosecution, First Degree Murder, and Armed Robbery, which is chump change, I know, compared to creating and prosecuting a Global (as in the Earth) Terror Campaign, but I like this guy for the most Most Wanted because he sorta fits the profile of the late Patrick Swayze’s character in one of my favoritest movies of all time, Point Break, where guys put on masks of ex-Presidents of the United States of America and robbed banks and went surfing with Lori Petty and one of the guys from the Chili Peppers, I think, plus Gary Busey was in it, and Keanu Reeves. Anyway, as far as Jason Derek Brown is concerned, check out this part of his Most Wanted List Profile:

Brown speaks fluent French and has a Masters Degree in International Business. He is an avid golfer, snowboarder, skier, and dirt biker. Brown enjoys being the center of attention and has been known to frequent nightclubs where he enjoys showing off his high-priced vehicles, boats, and other toys. . . .

With a Curriculum Vitae Malum like that, this guy will inspire a movie at least, although I dunno who would play his character. He kinda looks like Sean Penn, but I think you’d need a younger guy for the part as well since the FBI has one of those “age enhanced” photo arrays since he has been fugitive so long.

Another guy who could totally get a movie named after him is James J. Bulger. This guy has a $2 million reward out on him and the G-mens want his ass for “Racketeering Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO)—Murder (19 Counts), Conspiracy to Commit Murder, Conspiracy to Commit Extortion, Narcotics Distribution, Conspiracy to Commit Money Laundering; Extortion; Money Laundering,” and just check out the rest of his sheet here:

James J. Bulger is being sought for his role in numerous murders committed from the early 1970s through the mid-1980s in connection with his leadership of an organized crime group that allegedly controlled extortion, drug deals, and other illegal activities in the Boston, Massachusetts, area. He has a violent temper and is known to carry a knife at all times.
Bulger is an avid reader with an interest in history. He is known to frequent libraries and historic sites. Bulger may be taking heart medication. He maintains his physical fitness by walking on beaches and in parks with his female companion, Catherine Elizabeth Greig. Bulger and Greig love animals. Bulger has been known to alter his appearance through the use of disguises. He has traveled extensively throughout the United States, Europe, Canada, and Mexico.

Now that guy has Major Motion Picture written all over him, especially since he is a Boston Criminal. Hollywood loves the Boston gangsters, right? Ben Affleck could totally play this guy, but still, as they say in the wide world of Sports, this guy couldn’t carry Osama bin Laden (deceased)’s jock, and the rest of the guys on the list, Glen Stewart Godwin, Eduardo Ravelo, Joe Louis Saenz, and Victor Manuel Gerena, they are all criminals, no doubt, but none of them will be the subject of one of those wacky voice-over gags on Late Night With David Letterman, you know?

theawl.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com.

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