Published: January 19, 2011
So Your Baltimore Ravens did not advance further into the Playoffs after surviving the “Wild Card”—or something like that. As with so many other things it’s kinda hazy for me, like they were in the “Wild Card” and they won, but then they were in the “Conference” or the “Division” or something and they played Pittsburgh and they had a shot but it didn’t happen. The Division, OK, yeah, you have a Division of a Conference, I’m sorry, I’m not good at Math. Plus there’s a lot of beer in front of the television every time I watch a game. Football!
Anyway, I went to a game and I watched a lot of games on teevee this year featuring The Baltimore Ravens and I consider myself to be a fan, plus, I have sunk a major chunk of change into those goddamn scratch-offs where you could win Season Tickets for 20 years, which the Lottery insists on calling “Seats For Life,” even though it’s clearly not Seats For Life, it’s Seats for 20 Years, (which is the Life Expectancy of the beaver, the bottlenose dolphin, the chinchilla, and the eclectus parrot according to my friend the internet) and that’s not as catchy as FOR LIFE, but you know what Maryland Lottery, you need to check yourself with that “For Life” descriptor because it is Not True. Seriously, how can you look at yourself in the mirror while you perpetrate this Patent Falsehood? Of course if I win I will probably forget all about this because then I will understand the Wisdom of the Maryland Lottery, but here’s what should you do: Make the tickets good for the Life of the team, OK? You’re giving away two of ’em a year so I don’t think it’s gonna break anybody. It’s a lie, seriously, you will go to Hell, especially if I don’t win. Just saying.
Anyway, for the most part I was Highly Entertained by the games My Baltimore Ravens played this year, especially that Pittsburgh one where they broke that guy Roethlisberger’s nose, man, what a fucking game that was, did you see it? It was like the whole team climbed on top of that guy’s nose and jumped up and down on it and it was broken all over the place. OK, it was one guy who whacked Roethlisberger, who is the Quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, on his nose and broke it and that was a great fucking game even though the Ravens lost, and then they got to play Pittsburgh again for the Division, so this last time it meant wa-aaay more than in the regular season because whoever won got to move one step closer to Super Bowl, which is the Greatest Day In America On Purpose, and many people were sad the day after the game.
One thing about this football season was I learned how to spell “Roethlisberger,” so that’s pretty good, learning. Lotsa people in Baltimore don’t like that guy because 1) He is the Quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and a “Regional Rivalry” exists (which is now, after this last game, a Real-Deal True Rivalry, like Yankees/Red Sox in baseball, because it wasn’t just a regular game here, the Steelers took away a shot at Super Bowl) and also because 2) He got involved in some tawdry bullshit in a year of just completely tawdry bullshit related to the National Football League.
Seriously, I don’t wanna discuss this stuff in detail because it’s all just ridiculous, man, and everybody’s heard/seen it all, really, the Jets guy with the feet (and I’m rooting for the J-E-T-S now that the Ravens are out of the picture), and Brett Favre with that crap that everybody in the Wide World of Sports knows about, and I don’t really give a fuck about most of this shit, but more importantly, I don’t understand why people say Brett Favre’s name is “farv,” when it’s more like “fahv-ruh,” I think, because that’s kind of a French name, right? It’s probably because people don’t want to make funny French sounds, which are very unlike American ones when you say names and stuff? The guy’s name is “fahv-ruh,” man, I looked on the internet again and the first answer I found for “how to pronounce Brett Favre’s name” on the ehow.com told me there is a thing called “Metathesis,” which is the “linguistic phenomenon” where you switch sounds in a word, and to me, the word “Metathesis” looks a lot like “Meathead,” which is what you are if you say “nook-u-lar” instead of “nook-lee-ar” when you say “nuclear,” which I bet is the same thing, Meathead-wise, as saying “farv” insteada “fahv-ruh” for the guy’s name. And I don’t care how he pronounces his name because if he says it’s “farv,” he needs to learn how to spell his own goddamn name and change it to “Brett Farv” insteada Favre. So since this guy has had a very long and illustrious career, he should just go away now, but he is a Great Quarterback, seriously, and so is this Roethlisberger, I don’t care what anybody says, that dude had a broken foot and a busted nose and he fucking beat the Ravens. If you don’t Respect that, then you don’t understand Competition, and you don’t have any respect for how good the Ravens are to get as far as they did this year. And don’t give me that shit about crooked refs because Bad Calls are Part of the Game. The Ravens got lots of Bad Calls their way this year, so don’t be a fucking whiny baby.
I have Michael Oher from the Ravens on my Twitter, and he got on there right away after that last game as @MichaelOher with this message: “Thank you to the fans who down 100%!! We will handle business better next year!” See that? He didn’t complain or point a finger. He said they are gonna do better.
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