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Mr. Wrong

Major Taser

I listen to the radio a lot, because it helps to block out the other voices and Bad Music and stuff on the soundtrack that’s always running in my head, and the other morning I was in my car driving to work, and after I gave up (again) on trying to figure out what the CHHKkkkk-kkkkrrrr-CHRRRKrr grinding sound is that’s coming out of the front part of my ’96 Civic—CHHKKKRRrrrr-KCKCCH—I put the radio on 1090 AM, which is Amplitude Modulation of the radio frequencies, as opposed to the FM, or Frequency Modulation, if you will, and the news guy was saying some news about how the Police Commissioner—hey, did you ever watch that teevee show The Commish? That had Michael Chiklis in it, and it was sort of a comedy show where he was like this doughy, likeable mug who was the Police Commissioner and had a family and was a Good Guy who fought crime in a gentle way kinda like Andy Griffith on Mayberry R.F.D. but not as “country,” and it ran for like four years, and then later Michael Chiklis shaved his head and got a job as a Bad Police on The Shield, which I continue to maintain was basically a comedy, except people got shot and stabbed and killed and stuff, but it’s not real, you know? They got into all kinds of wacky predicaments on The Shield just like the guys in Stalag 13 used to on Hogan’s Heroes and that show had Nazis on it, but nobody argued about if it wasn’t a comedy, you know? Michael Chiklis also portrayed “The Thing” in those crappy Fantastic Four movies, and a long time ago he played John Belushi in a movie called Wired, which was supposed to be about John Belushi who was on NBC’s Saturday Night Live a million years ago and died from drugs. I never saw the movie, but according to the Internet, nobody liked it, just like that Jack and Jill movie right now with Adam Sandler, who used to be on Saturday Night Live, but hearing all that Negativity kinda makes me wanna go and see it, you know? I wonder what Michael Chiklis is doing right now, right this minute.

Anyway, I was listening to WBAL on the radio in my car, and the news guy had a clip of the Police Commissioner, whose name is Frederick H. Bealefeld III, which is always funny when you have a name that is like, a sequel of somebody else’s name, you know? No offense to anybody with a “III” or “IV” name or anything, but it’s not as odd as being a “Junior,” man, great way to set up the self-esteem of a young one, eh? I mean, no offense to any “Juniors” out there, but it just seems like that handle is kinda like Strike One, you know? “You are simply a continuation of your ‘Senior,’ so good luck on becoming a fully self-actualized individual with your derivative name.” That’s one aspect of being a female where there’s an edge, eh? No girls have to be a “Junior,” I don’t think. Of course there’s like, Harry Connick Junior and Sammy Davis Junior and stuff, and nobody really knows who their Seniors are, so obviously it’s not the end of the world to be named “Junior,” no offense.

Like I was trying to say before I interrupted myself, Commissioner Bealefeld III was saying he didn’t like Tasers too much. I don’t remember where they said they got the sound clip of the Police Commissioner, but it mighta been 60 Minutes, which I watch sometimes on Sunday, but I didn’t watch it this week because channel 45-2, the “This TV” channel, had a weird spy movie from the ’60s on called Billion Dollar Brain, starring Michael Caine as Harry Palmer, which was a character he played in some other movies, especially The Ipcress File, which was a better and more serious spy movie than Billion Dollar Brain, but the Brain one was sorta experimental, because it was directed by Ken Russell, who is this English guy who has directed movies like Tommy with the band The Who in it. I saw that movie once when I was a little kid and Tina Turner was The Acid Queen, which was kinda cool. Ken Russell also directed that movie Altered States, which was about a guy who takes Powerful Hallucinogens and then climbs into one of those “Sensory Deprivation Tanks,” which was a fad in the ’80s, taking off all your clothes and corking up your ears and stuff and floating around in one of these tanks being deprived of your sensorys or whatever. I would never do that though, because I don’t like being cut off from reality, and if I corked up my earholes it’d be nothing but the Voices and the Bad Music bouncing around all up in there, no thanks, you know?

All I’m really trying to say is if I was a cop and I had a Taser, I’d be hella itching to use it, you know? Waaaay more than wanting to use my gun, man, because most of the time when you Taser somebody’s ass they don’t get killed, you know? I’d be ready to totally Taser some shit, especially if I just got outta the Sensory Deprivation Tank and my ears were ringing from the Voices and that annoying fucking “Pumped Up Kicks” song by that band Foster the People. It’s in my head! I’d be like, “Man, I hope somebody refuses to Obey one of my Lawful Commands so I can BZZ-Zzzzzt! their ass with my Taser! What? What’d you say? K-BZZZ-CkktzzZZT! Yeah! What? Hey, my coffee’s cold, I bet I can warm it up with my Taser! GLRBLBRBL_ZZzzzt! Nice, my coffee’s warmer but ow, I think I just Tasered my hand.” But hey, I think the Voices stopped.,

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