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Mr. Wrong

It Is Better To Win Than To Be Good And Get Fired

I am right now as you read this enjoying a cold and delicious can of beer as I stand (or maybe fell down and so now I am laying) in water up to my beer-drinking chin in the refreshing Adirondack waters of Schroon Lake, N.Y., where I am pleased to visit on a yearly basis to drink beer and stare into a blazing campfire for hours and hours while drinking beer and to not go fishing because it would cut into the time I have to drink beer while staring into a fire or standing in a lake or in the rain in the beautiful and scenic Adirondack Mountains of Adirondack, N.Y., seriously, the place I go in the Adirondacks is named Adirondack, which is good for me if I ever wander away from the campfire and somebody picks me up on the side of the road, because all I will probably be able to do at that point will be to go like “Buh? Wha? Adirondack! ADIRONDACKS! ARROOOO!”

So I have filed this column in Advance, for exactly the time when I would be Vacant from my column, because the First Rule of Column is: ALWAYS BE COLUMNING, so even when I am in beer up to my chin, I file a fucking column, see?

Anyway, you may or may not be aware the very “Mr. Wrong” column you may or may not enjoy on a weekly basis here on the pages and in the pixels of City Paper, Baltimore’s Free Alternative News, Arts, and Entertainment Weekly ( is an Award-Winning column, which beat columns from the LA Weekly and Village Voice “Alternative Weekly” newspapers and Web sites. Award-Winning Column!

One of the other fine columns the “Mr. Wrong” column beat out for the award of “Best Column” was the “La Dolce Musto” column, written by Michael Musto, formerly and forever from the Village Voice paper of New York City, America. Careful readers of the preceding paragraph may have noticed I put “formerly” in there, because the Village Voice paper gave Mr. Musto some other papers, as in Walking, as in You’re Fired, thanks for everything (nothing), and when I heard that, the first thing I thought (as an Award-Winning Column) was, wow, they (the people who tell other people to go and fire people) must really think they have it all figured out, to fire a part of their paper they had for years and years and years (and years and years), during which time they even put that guy Mr. Musto on their cover a buncha times because he is so Famous and Beloved, they knew he would be a “Unit-Shifter,” which is a term for a thing that would make people drop their socks and pick up a paper. Each paper is a “Unit,” and putting the Famous and Great New York City Michael Musto on your cover causes the Units to Shift from the pile of papers in the vestibule of a store or the pile of papers in a newspaper streetbox into the hands of The Readers. Why would you chop off your biggest Unit-Shifter? He was making too much money and you gotta Economize? It can’t be that, I mean, whatever he was making—even if he was making a lot for a Newspaper—has still gotta be a drop in the bucket for a giant enterprise like the company that runs the Village Voice, with papers in many of the most civilized cities in the United States of America, such as New York, Miami, and Los Angeles. I don’t get it, I mean, why didn’t they make a Deal with Mr. Musto? They gotta know he will end up someplace else, and do his thing, with famous people and names in boldface type, and Serious Topics and stuff he has done for years and years. He totally should have won for Best Column, and I know why he didn’t and I explained, because when the “Mr. Wrong” column beat the “La Dolce Musto” column, I got a column out of it.

That’s what you do when you have a column and win a Prize, you thank errbody (me) and you thank the Prize for being a Prize you received, and now in the fullness of time, looking back on those Halcyon Days of the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Eleven, B.C., and No Cents, I’m still totally glad I won the Prize, but I am sad to see the “La Dolce Musto” column get fired from its New York City home. I’m not worried about Mr. Musto, on account of he is a New York City Institution, so he will land his desk on its feet someplace in New York City, such as a New York City Magazine or New York City Web site and continue to make his column for The People. And yes, I got a column out of La Dolce Musto getting fired. Always Be Columning.

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