It is an Honor to be Nominated But it is Always Better to Win

The Mr. Wrong column has been selected as the “First Place,” i.e., the “best” (or at least I guess columniest) column in the Association of Alternative Newsmedia “AAN Awards” for the Year of Our Lord 2011, Anno Domini, Eastern Standard Time, and I was pretty surprised to be the winning column because I was up against these other two columns from New York and Los Angeles, and I figured my column was way outta their league, as in underbeneath it, but I got it all figured out now, how I won, I mean. There’s this movie called Putney Swope where the main guy, Putney Swope, is on the Board of Directors of this big Ad Agency and gets elected by a Democratic vote to run the company because most of the Board hates each other and they vote for Swope, since they all figure nobody else would vote for him, get it? Yeah, I figure I won because the other two columns, Michael Musto’s La Dolce Musto column in the Village Voice of New York City, and another column, Candyland by Gendy Alimurung of the L.A. Weekly, of Los Angeles, California, are kinda diametrically opposed in their tones and themes when compared to the Mr. Wrong column because there is no such thing as being “triametrically” opposed to something, according to Google and Math and stuff, because I Googled it and it ain’t there, the “Triametric.”

I mean, the Michael Musto column, first of all, he is famous, I mean, somebody just told me he is in the new Smurfs movie, so he is at the point where he is Getting Paid just for existing as himself, you know? Anyway, his column is loaded with fun Celebrity Names in boldface type, and who doesn’t like that? I love that, when a column has names and things in bold type, seriously, that is Fun Times as far as reading, you know? Plus he has Opinions and stuff, which are very entertaining. And then the Gendy Alimurung column is a Serious column about people who are Interesting because of what they do (one guy assembles dinosaur parts for museums) or Interesting stuff that has happened to them, like a lady who was bitten by a snake and shoulda died but she didn’t, and those two aren’t even in what got submitted for a prize in the contest I was in, the ones that got submitted were about a guy who makes board games, people who make special effects for movies that need monsters and space aliens, and a column about a lady who likes to pretend she is a pony.

My columns that I submitted were about going to the dog track, watching teevee, and being annoyed by people at the baseball stadium because they are not cheering and booing correctly, I’m not kidding here, I don’t wanna say FRAUD AT POLLS, but I know some sorta Triametric Anomaly occurred here and that’s how my column ended up on top. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying, you know, I mean, I’ll take the Win no matter how it happened, so I would like to thank whoever and whatever made the Mr. Wrong column the 2011 Column That Is Better Than The Columns From The Village Voice And L.A. Weekly, or whatever, and I would like to say to the Losers, (because if you do not Win, you Lose, I have been there, losing, but at least this time nobody got one of those “Honorable Mentions,” which in my opinion, that’s worse than Losing, you know? When I was a kid I went to Basketball Camp and I got the trophy for “Best Sport,” that’s a great trophy to get, eh? It means you stink at Basketball. Yeah, I got that trophy once.) if you are ever in Baltimore, I will buy you a drink, and yeah, I think the chances of those two columnists ever coming to Baltimore are pretty thin, but I totally would buy them a drink of something, and hey, who knows, maybe they might come to town for the big Baltimore Grand Prix on Labor Day Weekend, which is usually when I am at the all-night drive-in movie or watching the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, but this Grand Prix is nuts, man, they are gonna be racing cars like 180 mph on Pratt Street, man, that’s insane, seriously, we all need to see cars go that slow on Pratt Street to believe it right? Hiyo! All seriousness aside, they are looking for Volunteers to do stuff for The Grand Prix and I am thinking I will volunteer, but not to be an Usher or be a Ticket-Taker or do Customer Relations, no way, I would try for the “Golf Cart Shuttle Service” gig, and maybe organize some sorta Golf Cart Shuttle Service Grand Prix and get some action going, you know?

Anyway, so that’s crazy, right, that they are gonna race open-wheeled race cars down Pratt Street? At One Hundred And Eighty Miles Per An Hour?!? I totally want to see it, and I just wanted to go on record about the Grand Prix here in my Award-Winning Column (for this year anyway) because basically the way the Columns are set up here I have no idea when the next time my column is ever gonna run, even though it is an Award-Winning Column that has won the 2011 Association of Alternative Newsweeklies Award for Column, as in Outstanding, or the Best, or Most Column-y, or Excellent, or Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence, or whatever. Thank you.

theawl.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com

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