It Is An Honor Just To Be Nominated
Published: July 13, 2011
LAS VEGAS—I can’t remember the last time I filed a Mr. Wrong column, because the Mr. Wrong column used to run every other week, and then it was every three weeks, and now it’s like every whenever The Editors need something to throw in the column hole, which is I think every four or five weeks, maybe, but anyway, this filing of the Mr. Wrong column I will totally remember, because I am in Las Vegas, Nevada, enjoying life and I didn’t have time to poop out my column before I got on the plane, which was a fucking propeller plane for the first part, from Baltimore, USA, to Cleveland, America, and that was kind of a surprise, climbing into a propeller plane, man, I even took a picture of the propeller, which will be available for viewing on the http://www.citypaper.com Web site, because propeller planes are freaky, man! They have this goddamn cone with a bunch of blades sticking out of it, and they fire that fucker up and it spinsspinsspins and digs into the air, man, it augers into the very air we breathe in order to propel, if you will, goofballs like me to Lost Wages, Nevada, oh boy!
So I am sitting in my underpants in the air-conditioned comfort of a lovely room in the Wynn hotel, and since I don’t have a “Laptop” computer, I am pecking out this brand-new Mr. Wrong column on my iPodPhone combinated with a new “Apple Wireless Keyboard” I bought at the “Capitol Mac” store in Baltimore, Maryland, USA, even though at first the guy at the store didn’t think it was a good idea to put the keyboard with the iPodPhone and the Bluetooth and stuff, but they Googled it and it’s cool, even though it’s kinda weird getting the teeny-tiny Google Docs on my iPodPhone and then typing on this shiny new keyboard from up to 30 feet away, it totally works, mostly, I mean I hadda bail on Google Docs because it kept forgetting where everything was, so I copied everything and put it on the “Notes” thing on iPodPhone, and it’s kinda annoying looking at the font this has but anyway, that’s not the Keyboard’s fault, you know? This Wireless Keyboard has a key on the board over in the left-hand corner called “fn,” and I have no idea what that key does, so I’m kinda paranoid about touching it until I can file this column from my Wireless Keyboard office in The Future in my new Temporary Headquarters within the Wynn Hotel Las Vegas, Nevada, Earth, where Last Night/This Morning, Eastern Standard Time, I drank three many of a delicious cocktail called a “Black Cherry Highball,” which has bourbon and Cherry Liqueur and Bourbon and Ginger Ale and Bourbon in it, and then I went and played the “Star Wars” slot machine and I won a hundred bucks, but all I did was slide an Andrew Jackson into it and push the button to make all the different images of characters and toys from the Star Wars movie fly around and then maybe line up into a pattern meaning YOU WIN. Kinda like how I make my column, seriously, push the button.
I mean, speaking of Prizes, the other reason I will remember this Very Special Episode of the Mr. Wrong column is that this Column has been nominated for being a Good Column, or Best in Show or however they put it, by the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies, which is an uh, association of Alternative Newsweeklies such as the fine Baltimore City Paper, which has contained the Mr. Wrong column inside of its pages and pixels for over 10 years, man, how fucked up is that, eh? Har! So now this Column has been placed in the category of being as good, or at least as Column-y or whatever, as the Michael Musto column in The Village Voice of New York City, and another column by Gendy Alimurung of the L.A. Weekly, of Los Angeles, California. The only similarity my column has with those columns is that it is called a “Column,” and even though I am in Las Vegas, Nevada, I don’t think I can get a bet down on this, and I totally want to, not because I think I am gonna win, but because it is definitely a long shot the Mr. Wrong column would win, and I’m kinda on a roll with the slot machines right now.
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