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Mr. Wrong

Honky

Hey annoying motorist, why you gotta be all tail-grabbin’ my ass when we are both now in a position to see The Future in front of us, as in, Red Light.

HERE IN THE CITY OF BALTIMORE, AMERICA, they (the City) are ripping up all the roads and digging out water lines and putting them on top of the road, temporarily, I guess, to fix something, I don’t know what, the water, the roads? It’s gotta be something important, why else would they be doing all this ripping up of the roads? Infrastructure or whatever. It’s boring! You pay your taxes for it.

As long as they fix the roads after they rip ’em up, I’m in favor of all this, whatever it is they’re doing, but since the roads are getting holes dug and they are working on stuff down inside the holes, a lot of times they can’t get the work done in one day and they gotta put these giant metal plates over the holes, and then they put blacktop around the edges of the plates so the plates don’t slide around and you go and drive your car into the hole, right? I didn’t ask anybody about this, I just figured, they didn’t fill in the hole, so they need the hole to stay a hole for a while, so they put the plate.

Then here comes your car, down one of these roads where there’s a bunch of plates. What do you do? Nothing personal, but if you are the average driver I drive in front of, behind, or sometimes under, in Baltimore, you fly along at your normal 10 to 25 miles per hour above the speed limit, and your car hits the plate, BAM! And little chunks of blacktop get kicked up and bounce all over, and then your car gets to the next plate, BAM BAM! And more gravel and dust, and then BAM! BAM! BAMBAMBAM! All the way down the street they are digging up, and the metal plates slide around a little bit, you can see it. It’s amazing there aren’t lots of stories of cars falling into these fucking holes, man. Would it kill you to slow down? Do you get how slowing down might fuck up your car less? Does it really, really, really make that much of a difference on how fast you need to get someplace?

Just one time, keep track of how long it takes you when you’re driving like the fucking Grand Prix or Grand Theft Auto or Super fucking Mario Kart or whatever, and then once, just once, drive close to the speed limit, and see how much of a difference it is. I understand all about driving at a certain rate of speed, usually a wee bit over the posted speed limit, to catch all the lights going down a street, but a lot of times I’m driving along, minding my own business, and I check the rear-view and I have some motorist on my ass and I look up and we’re headed toward a red light two blocks away. Hey, annoying motorist, why you gotta be all tail-grabbin’ my ass when we are both now in a position to see The Future in front of us, as in, Red Light, which means we should be slowing down, as in not speeding up? Why do people speed up for fucking red lights? Try looking farther than the car in front of you when you’re driving, it’s amazing how much more information you will get that helps you make decisions as to how you are piloting your 2-ton deathmobile.

Meanwhile, it seems like there’s always some detour away from the street you want to go on, or there’s the thing with the giant blinking arrow or the yellow sign showing how two lanes are all of a sudden turning into one lane, or there’s work being done on a building next to the street and half the road is blocked by a giant construction-thing. It’s almost as if the normal state of our city streets is that they are not 100 percent available all the time for us to drive. And it’s stressful! You’re driving down the street you drive down every day and it starts to get jammed up with cars, and you’re right on top of the car in front of you, and you can’t see what’s going on down the street! What’s going on down the street? This is my street, I’m supposed to be able to drive down whenever I want and not ever get delayed! Somebody’s fucking up! What do I do? I’m gonna scroonch up my car even tighter behind the car in front of me! I’m gonna honk my horn! I don’t care what’s in front of me! Nothing should be in front of me! Honking my goddamn horn will fix it! My horn will make everybody drive correctly and get the hell out of my way! This is my road! Other people in other cars better recognize! And the bicycles! Try looking two cars ahead for a week. Try imagining there’s things happening up ahead that cannot be resolved by you climbing up my ass and honking your horn at God. Just try.

A lot of people put their car on like it’s a suit of armor and then they go out on the street and forget there are other human beings with lives and families and stuff in the other vehicles. People get in their car and get on their phone or crank their music up so loud they are in a sensory deprivation tank, you know? It’s almost like cars are too easy to drive, so people get bored and wanna do something interesting while they are driving. A lotta people drive their car like they are at home sitting on their couch, and nothing should interrupt them and they shouldn’t have to pay attention to anybody else or cooperate with anything except brute force or The Law. Personally, I think we gotta come up with more Draconian punishments for the aggressive driving and the distracted driving, man, I wish there was a way to electrocute the ear or hand of anybody who is texting or blabbering on their cellphone while they are driving, but of course, if you got electrocuted in your ear while you were driving, we’d have a whole new level of distracted driving going on, I guess, so it’s a good thing I’m not in charge of Vehicular Street Justice.

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