Here’s Zero Crazy Tips for Reading this Amazing Column
Published: November 13, 2013
Wowee, way too much of everything, have you noticed, on the Internet, is announced in headlines as “Amazing” or “Crazy” or “The Most” whatever or “Insane” or “Awesome,” eh? Seriously, have you noticed this? Plus, there are all these numbered lists of candy-brain-garbage for you to click on and look at, but I don’t think you can really get mad at the Internet for this crap, you know? Internet is just a place to put stuff for you to click on! You might even be reading this column on your Internet, right? Yeah, so I’m not complaining and you don’t have to click on any of it, and you probably shouldn’t very much if you are at the office, but people do anyway, I don’t judge, yes, because it means somebody might be reading my column, Internet-wise.
Personally, I don’t think you should enjoy yourself at work, and that whole thing people are always saying about “find what you love to do, and you’ll never work a day in your life?” That’s true, but they never say how much you’re gonna get paid for never having to work a day in your life, you know? A lotta people like to sit on their ass and eat Doritos®, play with their candy-cracking phone game App or whatever while watching Maury on the teevee, you know? Does that even qualify for the Minimum Wage? Would there be a higher rate of pay for the episodes of Maury that feature the paternity-test results? Those are pretty entertaining.
Look, I’m not here to poo-poo on the World Wide Web, because I am the World Wide Web, OK? I don’t apologize. So are you, the Internet, if you look at it. The Internet is All, with everything left in and nothing left out, and it is a Symptom, a manifestation of all the crazy amazing awesomeness that is going on, see? The Internet is not the Disease, though, seriously, the Internet is the Series of Tubes that delivers the Disease, but at the same time, it has the Cures in there also, but you have to filter it with your brain, and that’s where the disappointment is, not with yourself of course, but for all the other brains you see out there, looking at the garbage while you’re looking at the good things and pointing them out, via the Internet.
Doritos // (literally, from Mexican Spanish doradito : “turned golden or crisp”) is a brand of seasoned tortilla chips produced since 1964 by American food company Frito-Lay (a wholly owned subsidiary of PepsiCo, Inc.).
See? I looked on the Internet and found the above definition (above) of what a Doritos® is. That’s a Learning Experience, and it was delivered from the Wikipedia dot com via the Internet. I woulda made the headline for that like so:
One Amazing Fact About Doritos® You Can Learn While You are Sitting on Your Ass Watching Maury and Eating Some Doritos®
Meanwhile, in the “In Real Life” (IRL) existence outside of the Internet, all of this overly superlative shit has been going on for a long time, man, it’s like everything is the Greatest or Shocking or it is the Most whatever or Extreme (or X-treme) or at least it’s New & Improved, you know? They (and you know who They are) always do stuff to food products to make them more exciting to buy, like that pretzel thing that’s going on now, with fast-food sandwiches? Sure, a lotta people are blabbering about the so-called cronut, which is a croissant with a hole drilled in it or a donut made out of croissant or vice-versa, but that’s just for afters, or more likely an unhealthy yet deeply satisfying breakfast. The Main Course or possibly Entrée thing that’s on the mind of America’s stomach is these pretzel buns, man. A lotta the fast-food places are doing pretzel bun now. I haven’t had one of those yet, a sandwich on a pretzel that serves as a bun, or roll, if you will, so I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just saying nobody really asked for that, you know? It’s a desire that nobody knew there was a desire for, so for anybody to make money off it, that is of course the The American Dream, IRL. I didn’t want one a month ago, a pretzel sandwich bun, I never heard of it, and I was happy. But now I am vaguely dissatisfied with my sandwich on account of it is not on a bun made out of a pretzel or a pretzel that eats like a sandwich roll or however this pretzel-bun thing works.
Now all I can think about is a sandwich on a pretzel bun. I can’t wait to eat a sandwich on a pretzel bun, I heard they are amazing. The Internet is a sandwich on a pretzel bun.
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