Help Wanted

HEY, CITY PAPER, THIS PAPER you are holding or web site you are clicking on is looking for a new Editor-in-Chief, did you know that? Yeah, that is gonna be an exciting Career Opportunity for somebody, right? Maybe you, eh? Have you ever thought about being an Editor-in-Chief of a Major Metropolitan Alternative Newsweekly? Do you have any Qualifications or a Degree in something that you could put on your resume or curriculum vitae, if you will? I’m just trying to help find the paper a new Editor-in-Chief, you know?

I was thinking maybe the paper should have an Essay Contest or something like that to pick the new Editor-in-Chief, but I’m not in charge of the paper or the Hiring Committee or whatever, so I can’t do that. However, I’m totally large and in charge of the Mr. Wrong column, so within the confines of my column inches I can be Mr. Helper and announce an official Essay Contest by the Mr. Wrong column, which is only trying to be Helpful and find a new Editor-in-Chief of Baltimore’s the City Paper. With prizes.

The Prize is if you win the Essay Contest, you get your Essay printed in my column, plus you will get a City Paper mug with an Estimated Retail Value, of, like, $4.99, I think. I gotta check on that. I mean, we don’t sell ’em to anybody, but it’s gotta have some sorta Retail Value, right? Anyway, it’s a nice mug. It is yellow and black like the City Paper street boxes where you can get your shiny new City Paper every Wednesday. GET IT WEDNESDAY is our Slogan on the boxes. You know, I invented that, the GET IT WEDNESDAY slogan on all the street boxes, and I didn’t get a prize or anything, but I was happy to do it. Team Player, seriously. I like my job, man. My Mr. Wrong column has been in the paper since the 20th Century, but I have been here as an Employee for like over 20 years, did you know that? Isn’t that crazy?

You know, now I’m thinking some more, and it’s not like you would get the Editor-in-Chief job if you won my Essay Contest, since I’m not the boss of picking the new Editor-in-Chief, so maybe we should modify the Contest a little. I think since you would be entering the contest because of the Mr. Wrong column, you should write your Essay on good ideas you have for the paper, and then everybody here at the Mr. Wrong column (me) could look at all the ideas-essays and then pick a winner, and then we could use the ideas to make City Paper even better than it already is, unless you think it sucks, in which case your ideas should be a slam-dunk, right? Hey, maybe you really could be Editor-in-Chief of the paper, even though you are writing an essay for my column. Seriously, think about it, I’m gonna print the winner of the Essay Contest in my column, and you will win, and then hundreds of people will read your ideas, and then maybe they would like, write letters or make Internet comments and do “likes” on the Facebook and “retweets” on the Tweeter about how great your ideas are, and then maybe you would get drafted in the convention for Editor-in-Chief, it could happen.

My idea to have an Essay Contest is pretty good, though, eh? I have Ideas all the time for the paper. Like, I wanted to do “Pet of the Week,” where people send in pictures of their pets. People love stuff like that, right? And I invented this thing that ran for a while that was called “How’s It Goin’?” where we would take pictures of people and ask them How it was Going, only without the “g” to make it more informal, see? Some people would go “What?” But other people would really take the time to tell us How it was Goin’. We don’t run that anymore, that’s How it is Goin’, har! I think we should also have a Sports column or at least a Sport column. I think pinball is a sport. I think we should sell ads on the cover like the Pennysaver does and like The New York Times does, and I think we should also have those sticker ads that go on the cover, but we should have, like, Editorial Content on one side of the sticker, or a cartoon or something. I think we should have more cartoons in the paper. I don’t like the Sudoku because it is made out of Math.

See, I have lots of Ideas about the paper, and I bet you have lots more, if you are somebody who wants to be the Editor-in-Chief. I wonder what kind of Ideas you Essay Contest writers will write about that we can put in the paper? But hey, you can’t copy any of my Ideas, OK?

You know what? I’m changing the Essay Contest. I totally need to be the Editor-in-Chief of your Baltimore City Paper, so now the Contest is for you to write an Essay About Why the Mr. Wrong Column Should Be Editor-in-Chief of Baltimore’s the City Paper, 700 words or less. Deadline is Friday, May 18. One more: I think we should have one of those things where we take pictures of Stylish People out on the street and ask them where they get their clothes. And also ask them How’s it Goin’.

theawl.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com

> Email Joe MacLeod