Go Wash Your Hands RIght Now
Published: October 9, 2013
Seriously, you haven’t even started reading this yet, and it’ll only take a sec, so please to go wash your hands. I’m not kidding, man, it’s officially Cold and Flu season, I don’t care if it was 90 degrees last Sunday, I heard on the radio last week that the first official case of The Flu was reported in Maryland, so that means it’s Cold and Flu season, and that means it’s time to go and wash your hands in a prophylactic manner. Go on, I’m not going anywhere. In fact, even though I already did, I’m gonna go wash my hands again right now, because all this talking about you and your unwashed hands and how you should go and wash them makes me feel like I need to wash my hands now, in advance, and in retrospect, so I’m going to go and do that right now, and while I’m doing that, you should too, wash your hands, come on, I’ll race you, OK? Ready, set, go wash your hands! Go on! Both of ’em!
OK, I’m back, and I really did wash my hands, and not with any of that antibacteria stuff, I used regular soap, some of that nice “Mrs. Meyers” liquid product with a pleasant geranium scent. That other stuff that everybody is addicted to, that antibacterialistic crap, that goop is weakening America for the ultimate Supercoccus Bacteriums, you’ll see. Look, you should really wash your hands if you haven’t already. I’m washing mine up to my elbows
Of course, I have no way to know if you washed your hands right now or before, but I’m telling you, it’s Cold and Flu season, this is not a news flash, this shit happens every year, and pretty much every year as a Public Service, I warn all the Gentle Readers of the “Mr. Wrong” column, as well as The Public about, well, about Cold and Flu Season, man! It’s here! It’s here to make you sick, and it wants to kill you, seriously, that’s how it works, it’s very Malthusian and stuff. In the name of Pontius Pilate, Patron Saint of Hand-Washing, go wash your hands. Nobody knows what killed P.P., but I bet my last money it weren’t no Cold or The Flu, OK?
Look, man, I don’t know if you Believe in getting a Flu shot, or if you think it’s some sorta Commie or Illuminati plot to control your mind or something, whatever it is they (and you know who They are) put in that Flu shot, so if you think Flu shots are Evil, then fine, don’t get one, but at least go and wash your hands, alright? The Illuminations or whatever don’t have a hand-washing conspiracy going yet, or do they? How many of ’em wear gloves? You’re a dope, seriously, if you think the Flu shot is some sorta Government Plot, I mean, right now, We The People don’t even have any Government! Everybody’s all Furloughed and Sequestered or whatever, so we can do what we want, and mostly I want you to go wash your hands, because it’s Cold and Flu season and you need to protect yourself, from the Common Cold (no offense) and The Flu, respectively and in that order.
OK, I don’t care about you, I mean, I do care about you, but specifically only insofar as if you don’t go and wash your hands, chances are you will be the no-hands-washing Vector who touches some Pestilence that gives you The Flu, and then I’ll end up getting contaminated by something you touched or when you shake my hand or when you shake a hand that shakes a hand that shakes a dirty, rotten, no-hands-washing hand that ends up shaking my hand or other part. Could we maybe just do a thing where nobody shakes hands during The Flu season? Is that rude, to just not have any hand-shaking during this Critical Juncture in Our Nation’s History? C’mon, we can still be sociable, we can bow to each other, that’s pretty cool, actually, it’s like, Ye Olde or something, right, to bow? Is that “Steampunk” or whatever, isn’t that a thing now? Do they wash their hands, the Steampunks? They have steam, right? That’s good for cleaning, I hope they use it to clean things, such as their hands, for example. You can even curtsy if you want and make it super-fancy, just don’t shake my fucking hand, no offense, man, I’m trying real hard to not get the goddamn Flu this year, and you are important to my plans. See, I do care about you, sorta! Did you wash your hands yet? Please email me when you wash your hands so I know it’s safe.
I don’t think it’s a Conspiracy, I’m gonna go get a Flu shot, but I am fully aware that it’s not a guarantee I won’t get The Flu, because the Flu shot I get might be like The Flu Point-2013, but then there might be a mutated version of it, from all the people who are afraid of Flu shots and didn’t get one getting The Flu and spreading it around early in the Cold and Flu season—did I tell you I heard on the radio about The Flu? I did? Did you go wash your hands?
So then, like I was saying, the mutated version of The Flu could be like The Flu 2013-point-one-lowercase-b or something, and it’s just one little Flu-molecule or DNA-piece away from The Flu I got the shot for, and I would totally accept getting The Flu that way, somehow, I mean, Respect to The Flu for the Game, right, for altering its The Flu ingredients, what are they, microbes? Atoms? I can’t worry about what The Flu is made outta, man, I just need to go and wash my hands again for a few minutes, maybe this time past the elbows up to my armpits, but I need you to cooperate, because there’s no Government, and Civilization As We Know It is probably ending, and seriously, I don’t want to be down with The Flu when the Looting begins, because I have my eye on one of those “cool mist” humidifiers down at the Wal-Mart, to prepare for Cold and Flu Season, so when I go out looting, I gotta be in good health, and if you’re reading this on the can, you have absolutely no excuse for not washing your hands, seriously.
> Email Joe MacLeod