Published: December 25, 2013
WOWEE, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY LAST WEEK I was making a list of my Top Ten things from the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Thirteen and No Cents, A.D., and hey, I guess it was, har! As the Columnist of the “Mr. Wrong” column, I must reiterate again, before we wring out the Old Year and ring in The New; I am very grateful to have served up a steaming pile of Wrong on a weekly basis to you, the Gentle Reader, for the majority of this year that we are about to boot off into the dustbin of history. So again and again and again, thank you very hard for your eyeball and brain-attention paid to the “Mr. Wrong” column. Your continued readeringship is my Xmas present from you to me. Also, I get paid money! Ho Ho Ho!
Christmas, or Xmas, if you will, and you are most welcome, is all about the celebration of the birthday of a highly Popular and Influential baby god, but not everyone subscribes to that particular periodical, and so a lotta people, myself included, see this time of year as a way to embrace the nice aspects of the whole Jesus deal, to wit, Peace on Earth, Good Will and stuff, and we appreciate the Sentiment and then combinate it with whatever Positivity we are pleased to, and we spread it around. Nobody’s making War on the Jesus, he’s a lovely fellow, the whole family, his dad, mom, stepdad, just really wonderful family, for reals. It’s all the stuff that happened after that makes people not want to have Xmas, and anybody who says “Happy Holidays” is just trying to be all-inclusive, man, I don’t want anybody to feel like I don’t want them to have Peace and Prosperity and Good things, if you spend all your time being angry about how somebody’s having a War on your Christmas, you are missing the point, and speaking for the Jesus—and I have as much right as any human being on this planet to do that—everybody needs to stop being angry about Christmas and get on the Positive tip. Amen. The Road to The War on Christmas is paved with Good Intentions, you know?
Xmas is all about buying stuff. You want to be mad about Christmas, Look Ye to Yon Retailers, and study their ways, that’s your True War, fools, with Dollar Signs attached. What did I get? What will we buy? What did you get? Gimme! I don’t like what I got! Who cares what we get them, it doesn’t matter, it’s the Thought That Counts, so don’t even think about it, just buy some stupid piece of something and but a bow on it! If you have experienced that aspect of Xmas, you know it stinks. That’s why I Believe the perfect present is booze, or a nice ham if you are alco-intolerant, or a lovely fruit basket or some cheese if you are ham-intolerant. I am a huge re-gifter. I just take the ham and change the label and give it to the first ham-positive person I have to gift. I always try to work it so I end up with at least one ham, though, on account of I have a fully formed Liquor Cabinet and cheese binds me up a little.
It’s OK to give stuff at Xmas, but you have to Teach the Children about Life, and not some fantasy-land where once a year they will be showered with expensive crap they may or may not deserve. I mean, errbody deserves to have nice stuff, and you gotta keep it in perspective, in terms of the whole wide world, and a good way is to make sure The Children learn about the Spirit of Holiday Disappointment, which they will encounter when they get that empty feeling five minutes after they rip open all the fresh consumer-garbage they might get, but I’m talking about making sure they fully understand about being disappointed and how they need to examine if they are just being greedy little pigs who have been conditioned by The Man, you know? You can lie to them about Santa and all that stuff, because ultimately they will discover The Truth, and if they are well-grounded in the reality and mental impact of The Spirit of Holiday Disappointment, they won’t end up bitter and angry, they will be like the guy in the Major Motion Picture The Matrix, starring Keanu Reeves and Laurence Fishburne, when Laurence Fishburne offered Canoe the pill that would Open His Mind. I forget if it was the Blue Pill or the Red Pill, but anyway, you probably know what happened, and if you don’t, I will Spoiler Alert it for you right now, to the effect of Keanu Reeves learned there ain’t no Santy Claus, OK?
So here’s what I want for Xmas, and I’m not asking anybody to buy it for me because I know that like Jesus, Santa Claus is inside each of us, so I will save up and someday buy this present for myself, and write on the label TO ME FROM SANTA or maybe FROM KRAMPUS, because that’s trending, you can go Google it.
Dear Santa Claus, I have not been particularly good or bad this year, I am pretty much an average human, but I sure would admire to get a shiny new Maytag 6 cu. ft. Ice2O® French Door Refrigerator with Better Built Compressor.
Thank you, and Merry You.
Maytag 26 cu. ft. Ice2O® French Door Refrigerator with Better Built Compressor
Feel free to stock up and let your appetite catch up later. This refrigerator is engineered with long-lasting parts to help ensure your food is ready when you are. The Better Built compressor is backed by a 10-year limited parts warranty and tested to 2X Life. The Easy Access freezer storage system includes the Dual Level Flex Divider for easy access to frozen favorites.
Designed, Engineered, and Assembled in the U.S.A.
From Iowa to you, Maytag® this French door refrigerator is designed, engineered and assembled in the U.S.A. with the dependability the brand is known for.
Nice try, Maytag copywriters, but it’s obvious the parts for this French door reefer are manufactured out of the country, but I still want it, and I will pray to Santa every night until I do. Everyone please to have Yourself A Merry Little Krampus, and just be nice to people.
All I want for xmas is for you to listen to Jim and Joe’s Top-Rated Podcast (NSFW), also containing City Paper’s “Spitballin’” columnist Jim Meyer at backoftheclassguys.com. Still time to Email your top ten list to firstname.lastname@example.org.
> Email Joe MacLeod