Fall Preview Review
Published: September 29, 2010
Fall always used to bum me out because it meant “back to school,” but now that I don’t ever have to go to school anymore (it didn’t work) I am pleased to enjoy Fall for stuff such as fewer brain-frying 90-degree days and, uh, I dunno, less daylight? Football? Election Day? The New Fall Teevee shows?
Yeah! I don’t have Cable anymore because I’m trying to jam Econo, so even though it’s a total pain in the ass to get a good signal now that it’s all Digital, I am way heavily interested more than is Normal in all the new (and free) Broadcast Television Fall Teevee Programs, like the new show on NBC where they make fun of Indians who work in a call center in India. I don’t even remember what it’s called, like Call Center, I bet. OK, it’s called Outsourced, and it’s a boiler room of comedy jokes at the expense of Subcontinentals who are Different From Us, and I watched one, but I couldn’t get past the 15-minute mark, so I say yank it. There is a new flavor of Law & Order on NBC that I haven’t seen yet, but looks like it will be Law & Order, only more of it, so I approve, and then also on CBS is the new Hawaii Five-O program, which I also haven’t seen yet but it’s not looking too good in the commercials, like there are too many moments of humor and stuff when they should be Book’em-Dano-ing the shit outta errrbody who is a suspect considered innocent until proven guilty in a Court of Law.
And hey, speaking of Courts of Law in terms of the whole Fall thing, Election Day is coming, and, sure, maybe that’s not exactly an Exciting Feature of Fall, but I totally Believe in Elections and the whole Democratic Process, even for Republicans and Commies and Greenies and anyone else out there running for Elected Office, and while I am a Registered Democrat—because that’s where all the Action is in this State of the Union—I would totally vote for whoever is New and Improved and I don’t care what Party they throw, OK?
I have a policy of voting the Incumbent out just for being Incumbent, and that’s what I did in the primary elections, which like 12 people voted in, I guess, even with that “early voting” thing where you could vote before Primary Elections Day, but I’m glad We The People could vote early because even though I didn’t vote early, on the regular Election Day it was like I was voting late with permission, so that was cool.
I don’t understand why we gotta vote for State’s Attorney though. I mean, doesn’t that turn ‘em into politicians? They are basically Lawyers, right? And we hire them to convict people of crimes, right? Why don’t we just hire ‘em like all the other lawyers out there? Anyway, I voted for that Bernstein guy because first of all, Jessamy was an Incumbent for like, 15 years or something, and second of all, Bernstein totally kinda looks scary, like Skeletor from the Masters of the Universe cartoon, and I think it’s good for the Prosecutor to strike terror into the hearts of criminals who are a superstitious cowardly lot, you know?
I think I’m also probably gonna vote for Martin Joseph O’Malley even though he is an Incumbent. Robert Leroy “Bob” Ehrlich Jr., the guy he’s running against, was Governor before O’Malley, so they are both Incumbents, and I figure it will cost less of my Tax Dollars at Work to just leave O’Malley in there, so there’s no, like, “Transition Team” or whatever, but basically right now I just like O’Malley better than Ehrlich personally. Not like I hang out with either of them or anything—I’m just saying I know O’Malley looks like a tool for being in a band and wearing sleeveless shirts to show his arm muscles, but what is the deal with Ehrlich and that haircut he wears on his head? It’s totally fucking dopey, man, the no-sideburns thing? It’s like Junior Varsity Wrestling Team in 1978 bowl-cut or something, seriously. I mean, if he has a medical ailment or something and that’s how his hair grows, and he can produce a note from his Primary Care Physician, then maybe I’ll rethink not voting for him because of his hairdo, but it’s like, is there a problem with his sideburns? Does he have gray ones? As an Unpaid Politicial Advisor, I say go for some of the Just for Men® products and get those sideburns colored in. You’re in fucking show business anyway, so you might as well fix yourself up for some more votes, you know? If no hair grows there, maybe just let the hair on the side of your head above that grow longer, so you can get that dewlap effect like some bald guys do on the top of their head, only downwards; a Downlap, if you will. Somebody probably already did this, but I’m gonna get a picture of Ehrlich and put sideburns on it and put it on citypaper.com and then you can go look at it and see if you would vote for it, OK? This is Serious Stuff, man, we are talking about The Future of the State of Maryland, U.S.A., with this whole Sideburns issue. Maybe I shouldn’t vote this time.
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