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Mr. Wrong

Double Dipping

Hey Baltimore, so they (and you know who They are) are gonna Develop some sorta Project called “Harbor Point” down in the Harbor someplace on top of a place that used to be where this factory called Allied Chemical made or used or processed or otherwise did stuff with Chromium (Cr, a “transition metal,” atomic number 24 on your Periodic Table of the Elements), and the factory left behind, in the earth, all kinds of stuff which is bad for you, but they took care of that, otherwise nobody would be Developing on it, right?

They are going to make some skyscraping office buildings and apartments and probably stores like Banana Republic or Gap or something, I’m not really sure, but I bet a lot like that “Inner Harbor East” thing that is down near the Inner Harbor, east of it, where there’s a really nice movie theater that puts real butter on the popcorn instead of that disgusting “buttery topping” shit most all the other theaters put, and there’s a gym and a buncha restaurants and a 24-hour CVS and some retail; like there’s one of those Anthropologie stores where you can buy a Teakwood Ice Cream Scoop for 18 bucks if you want to.

It’s good to have stuff happen on a place where there used to be a factory polluting the Harbor and Baltimore won’t ever have factories like that anymore, especially not sitting right on top of the Harbor, right? So instead of a field of Chromium or whatever, they somehow seal up all the Bad Stuff and build things on top of it, because it is highly Desirable to have some property being Developed right on top of the Harbor as opposed to all the land all over the place in the city where stuff could be Developed, but it would not be right on top of the Harbor so if you are there you can look at the Harbor, right? People like to look at the Harbor, be near the Harbor, walk around the Harbor, build shit right next to the Harbor. Personally, I would be worried about being so close to the Harbor with all the icebergs melting, you know? But I don’t have the head for Big Deals like this one, with the taxes and the Enterprise Zones where guys who have enough dough to buy a giant chunk of what could be Toxic Property and then Develop it into some retail and a lovely park or something, you know? But that’s good, right? For the Business of the City? Which is Business? People wouldn’t do stuff like this unless they could get rich doing it, right? If people won’t do stuff like this to get rich, then pieces of property that have Chromium all over them would just sit there for a long time, right? But we need all kinds of Commerce, right? For Employment? Would you like to work at selling Teakwood Ice Cream Scoopers?

I thought it would be OK to have a Lowe’s hardware store and a Walmart over on 25th Street in that pit where there used to be a whole bunch of cars for sale, because what else was going to happen there? But Walmart couldn’t make it work, maybe because when Walmart wants to do something, people try and stop it, because Walmart has a rep for fucking over their employees and crushing their small-business competition and selling a lot of stuff made in China while they are sorta looking All-American in comparison to other stores—like the Target at Mondawmin Mall—that sell stuff made in China. All I know is something is better than nothing, but it looks like somebody else got to that spot where the Walmart was supposed to go, and they are going to Develop something, which will be some retail and some apartments maybe? A nice restaurant and some entertainment options? Without knowing anything about the thing that won’t be a Walmart, I approve, unless it’s a Chromium factory outlet.

I learned all about the Tax Weirdness with this Harbor Point thing from reading the very paper or pixels you are looking at right now, and also on a website called the Baltimore Brew (, which is trying to be a newspaper without having any papers printed, and that’s OK, because they put real news on their pixels, like about how this Harbor Point is getting all this taxpayer money and tax breaks and even how they are getting the City of Baltimore to pay for a park and do the Infrastructure part for the roads that lead up to the thing that is being Developed, which always pisses me off, when I see something getting constructed, it always seems like they build a whole bunch of nice roads and sidewalks and shit, and then all these fucking dump trucks and construction things come in and destroy the curbs and the sidewalks and make ruts in the new street, and then they are done constructing and the streets and sidewalks are all screwed up, so they should pay for that, the constructors of the Project, right? Apparently Our Fair City will pay for all that stuff, the idea being all the tax money that rolls in after the Project is going full-blast will pay for all the Infrastructure stuff, I guess, on top of the taxes the Project isn’t paying because otherwise they wouldn’t do the Project. Now I have an Ice Cream Headache, but not the good kind, the kind you get from putting delicious Ice Cream into one’s head too fast.

I might, though, go to the Anthropologie to see if they have the Teak Ice Cream Scoop, because I have one of those regular ice cream scoops, with a metal part and a plastic handle, and water gets into the handle when I clean it, so now there’s water sloshing around inside the handle, and every time I use the scoop I am very careful to see if there’s any water seeping out from the crack between the handle and the metal scooper part, and even if I don’t see anything, I still think about that old soapy-rancid dishwater being inside the handle with bacteria and how some musta dripped out onto my scoops of Butter Pecan, or more recently, Mint Chocolate Chip, which, the Breyer’s version, is trending right now in my mouth. I had one of those plastic one-piece deals but I broke it, that’s how hard I party with my Ice Creams, I need the pro gear, so I’m thinking a Teak Ice Cream Scoop makes sense because it’s one piece and there won’t be any water lurking in the handle to seep into my brain while I am thinking of Ice Cream, or Chromium.

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