Doing what I love: Scratch-Offs
Published: April 17, 2013
I got my very first check for the very first episode of the very new and improved and Weekly Mr. Wrong column, and you know how they (and you know who They are) say, “Find something you Love, and do that thing, and you will never work a day in your life?” Well, that is a such a steaming pile of horseshit. It’s almost as bad as that kook Nietzsche with his half-baked “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” Yeah, right, Nietzsche, what, you stubbed your toe on the bedframe and it hurt so bad it made your eyes water, but you survived, man, so you were like, “Damn, that hurt my Nietzsche-toe so bad I thought I was gonna die! Hey! I’m better! I’m alive! That attack on my toe did not kill me, it made me stronger!” Stronger how, Nietzsche? I mean how about “That which does not kill me softens me up to maybe kill me next time?” or more optimistically, “That which does not kill me does not kill me?” Isn’t that a bit more accurate? Otherwise people would be trying to get not-killed all the time so they could be super-strong. There would be This Which Does Not Kill You DVDs and it could just be like, “go step out into traffic and get hit by a bus, if it does not kill you, please proceed to the next DVD and become stronger by not being killed.” Jesus Christ, what a dumbass saying. People love easy answers, man, all you need are a couple of Famous Sayings and you’re a Genius. How about “That which kills me makes me deader?” I guess you have to save that one for last, eh? What a bonehead, Nietzsche. Go punch yourself in the head and make yourself stronger, goofball.
I Love to eat Kraft Cheese Dinner and watch The Price Is Right, you know? It doesn’t kill me, so it makes me stronger? Hey, plus, I Love it, it’s something I do that I Love, so if I did that all the time, I would not ever be working a day in my life, sure, but then I would have no income with which to purchase any further installments of Kraft Cheese Dinner, see? FYI, the regular one is the best one of the Kraft Cheese Dinner. I went to the “price club” the other day—I’m not gonna tell you which one, but the initials are “BJ”—and I bought a big econo-pack of Kraft Cheese Dinners, but I didn’t realize the boxes featured macaroni that were different non-standard Kraft-macaroni Dinner-shapes. There’s a dinosaur-shaped one and a “spiral” one, along with the regular, perfect, beautiful Kraft Cheese Dinner-macaroni-shaped one, and they don’t all taste the same, you know? The Cheese dust accumulates in different formations based on the surfaces of the macaroni and it really fucks up the flavor. I am not imagining this, otherwise all macaroni would be the same shape. Just be careful when you go for the econo-pack of the Kraft Cheese Dinner, that’s all I am saying. And don’t let it kill you, so you can become stronger, like my pal Nietzsche.
Yeah, that “Do Something You Love” thing is a big pile of B to the S. Basically, you should just be Loving whatever you do, if it means you are Getting Paid to do it, see? While of course obeying all local laws and ordinances. I think there needs to be an intermediate step or two in there, like, it could be more along the lines of “Figure out how to at least fucking do something and then go Get Paid to do it,” that’s a little more realistic, you know?
You need to get that “Do what you Love” programming outta your skull. You must learn how to Love again, man, and in my capacity as a Life Coach, I am telling you how to Love, yes. I am telling you to Love like me, and you know what I Love? I love Getting Paid. Yeah!
I figured out how to write words into sentences and paragraphs, and then I got a Column, where I Get Paid to poop out a thousand words for a hundred and fifty bucks. That’s like, 15 cents a word, I think (I do not love Math), so if I type: “I love to Get Paid,” I receive the sum of 75 cents, I Love that! I am doing what I Love! Getting Paid! If I put: “Nietzsche is a quack and you should not listen to him with his stupid ‘that which does not kill me’ baloney,” I get 15 cents times 21 words, which equals Three Dollars and 15 cents, American. How can I not love this? Also, it does not kill me. It does not make me stronger either, but I don’t care because I have a check. Screw you, Nietzsche.
I also Love doing scratch-offs gambling, so would like to announce I am going to Invest the entirety of the very first Weekly “Mr. Wrong” check I just got into officially-sanctioned-by-the-State gambling scratch-offs, with which I have a “Love/Hate” relationship with, because sometimes I scratch one and I win some cash, so I Love that, but most of the time I Lose, and somehow some of the money goes to benefit the Maryland Stadium Authority, which I never voted for and is some more bullshit, because I thought it was all supposed to go for Education, my scratch-offs and lottery gambling money, and not to build stadiums for millionaires and kabillionaires, you know? Build your own stadium, One Percents! Would it kill you to build your own stadium, or would it make you stronger?
So I will buy $150 worth of scratch-offs and scratch them, and post the scratching results next week, unless I win a million dollars, in which case I will Retire from Columning. It’s a win-win!
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