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Mr. Wrong

Column Helper

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Fig. 1: pile of scratch-off dust (detail).


Before I begin this week’s “Mr. Wrong” column, I would like to give you an update on the One Hundred and Fifty Dollars and No Cents’ worth of scratch-off lottery tickets I bought with the very first paycheck I received in remuneration for this, the New, Improved, and very Weekly version of the “Mr. Wrong” column, here in Baltimore City Paper, Baltimore’s Most Weekly Paper.

I will not stop scratching-off until I either zero-out or hit it big. Right now, I am presently in my third wave of scratching, and I am down to $55, which I will immediately plow back into The System as soon as I feel ready to scratch a bunch more tickets, because it’s super-boring to scratch a whole bunch of scratch-offs all at once, I’m not kidding, it’s like having to Work, you know? And if you do like, a couple a day, then it’s like an Obligation or something—a Chore, if you will—and it totally drains all the fun out of it. Also, I think I am losing feeling in the side of my thumb where I hold the nickel I use to scratch the scratch-off. The nickel is the best tool to use on scratch-offs, by the way, on account of it scratches a large amount and it does not have ridges on the edge like a 25-cent piece. I just learned on the Internet the ridges on a dime and a quarter and a 50-cent coin are called “reeded edges,” but that’s all I got for you, fact-wise, because I’m kinda sick of this whole thing of scratching scratch-offs and at this point I feel like I am a Professional scratch-offer, on account of I am no longer deriving any Joy from rubbing the latex or vinyl or whatever it is into piles of scratch-off dust [See Fig. 1, pile of scratch-off dust] off these tickets to see if I won any money, it’s just kinda like I go:

OK, what’s this one, “Match your numbers to any 1 or more of the winning numbers,” OK, let’s see, c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon cmoncmoncmon, crap! Loser. OK, howabout this one, “Match any of your numbers to any 1 or more of the 4 money numbers,” here we go let’s go let’s go c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon cmoncmoncmoncmon crap! Loser.

It’s kinda boring, scratching these things. Even when I win some money it’s kinda boring, because I win like $5 or $10, that’s not exciting, man, I want to get top prize $1,000,000, man, that is how I will derive lots of Joy from a Big Winner, but I ain’t holding my breath or quitting any Day Jobs (or column jobs) yet.

Speaking of my column (which most of the time is the whole point of the “Mr. Wrong” column, FYI), there’s still lots of Helpers out there who are always telling me what I should put in the column, and here’s the thing, man, no offense, but I don’t need anybody telling me what to put in my column, OK? You put it in your column! I have a million billion katrillion things I can write my column about any time I want! Right now I could column! I could write my column every day and twice on Sundays, man, don’t get all involved in what I should put in my column, OK? I could put a column inside my column about my column being the thing I can column about! My possibilities are endless, columnwise! Lunch, I could column about! Breakfast! Places that have Breakfast all the time! Places that should have Breakfast all the time! Places where the best thing to have for Breakfast might be Lunch! Just relax and read it, that’s how you participate in the “Mr. Wrong” column, that and write letters, because I value the feedback from The Readers, as long as it’s not an email or whatever about what I should put in my column. My column! You put in yours, I’ll put in mine.

I don’t write anybody who has a column and say, “Hey man, you know what you should put in your column?” No way, I have a column, whatever I was gonna tell that person to put in their column, that would be like a Freudian-column thing that meant what I really wanted to do was put it in my column, see?

My theory is exactly that; anybody who tells me what I should put in my column really has a Repressed Desire to make their own column, and as your Personal Psychologist, I advise you, all you helpers, go and write your own column on that thing you think is so great for my column. And then once you finish that one, write another one, and another one, and keep writing, and then you will be a Columnist. Thank you.

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