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Mr. Wrong

Chicanery

I am still hyped about this Grand Prix that is gonna happen here in Baltimore, Maryland, America, where they are gonna race cars 180 mph down Light Street and Pratt Street and stuff almost any minute, and I know they killed some trees because they needed to put up the stands and there are gonna be some seriously messed-up traffic patterns for cars and buses and trains and light rail and bicycles and pedestrians, but this is the way of Progress, for Our Fair City, and I hope after it happens some Serious People take a look at whether or not We the Citizens of Baltimore made any money off this deal.

And so, like, if We the People made some bucks here, then in the manner of Johnny Depp, as real-life movie director Ed Wood, said in the Major Motion Picture Ed Wood, “My next one will be better!” Another Grand Prix! And we’ll plant more trees, right? I know there was a petition and stuff and I respect people who want to get more trees, but shouldn’t we concentrate on looking at this as a possible net gain after those trees got chopped up if we can get some more trees planted? Those trees on Pratt Street or wherever will not have been stumped in vain. More trees!

Yeah! Grand Prix! I mean c’mon, how much longer are we gonna be able to race cars anyway, you know? Sooner or later China will want all the oil and we’ll be busy in Afghanistan and Libya and wherever the next place we figure The Enemy is, so we won’t be able to stop ’em, the Chinese. Seriously, I’m not sure there’s any other kind of an explanation for why they just launched a fucking Battleship or a Destroyer or something into the Ocean, one of those giant Warships like we (as in U.S.) used to have sort of a monopoly on, along with the Formerly Sovietly Social Commie-Russians, but now Russia is kinda Decentralized and the Chinese are gonna need even more oil to make all the crap we buy off them at Target and Walmart and everywhere else where you purchase Things Made Out of Stuff. Let’s just race some fucking cars, I’m serious, there’s Chinese battleships out there, since when do they need battleships? Who is attacking China on the high seas? Let’s have some fun, man! Grand Prix!

Meanwhile, we’re turning off the Space Shuttles and the Mainland Chinese are making plans for going to the Moon or Mars or something on our dime that we pay them for the money we borrow to pay for the crap we buy off them that they make for us because they make it cheaper! What? Why are the Chinese going to the Mars or Moon or whatever? I know why! They want the Helium-3! Nobody listens to me! (“Missile Attack,” Mr. Wrong, Feb. 27, 2008) Why aren’t we (as in The United States of America) going to the Moon to get the goddamn Helium-3 that will solve all our problems? My head hurts!

So I would like to forget about the Moon and Mars and Helium-3 for a while and watch some racing, and look, this Grand Prix event, it’s an important event, man, this event is an Event that will bring race fans of 180 mph from all over the Country, and even the Planet, so I would like to discuss a problem in Baltimore that is a lot like the problem the Chinese Communists had when they were getting ready to show The World how they (as in China) were gonna basically Own The Future, foreseeably, when they were hosting the Olympics last time, and you can read all about it in my pal Tom Scocca’s new book Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future (available where books are sold) (“Tom Scocca,” Books, Aug. 3), and I haven’t read the whole thing yet because I am getting “caught up” on Boardwalk Empire (I watched one) and Game of Thrones (I watched all but one) on the Home Box, but there’s this part in the book where Mr. Scocca describes how the Commies in Beijing outlawed spitting on the sidewalks and the streets and stuff because they were concerned with how visitors there for The Games were gonna be skeeved out by that. This is a common thing in China, and I have never been to China, but I have been to Chinatown in New York City and there is mos def major hocking of loogies around there, mostly by old dudes, but here in Baltimore the expectorating, it happens, but way worse than that is the fucking littering, man, seriously what the hell is the rationale behind littering? At least with spitting you are getting some sorta waste product outta your body, but with litter, it’s already out of your body and you should dispose of it properly so it doesn’t end up floating around the street where you live, you know? It’s dirty to litter! And don’t give me that crap about how you are creating Employment for somebody by creating litter for somebody to pick up after you because there’s about a million other things somebody can do besides pick up your damn potato chip bag before it ends up in the gutter and then in the sewer and then in the fucking Inner Harbor, where they are gonna be racing Grand Prix cars around it, so even if you don’t like the Grand Prix, let’s have some Civic Pride when We the People of Baltimore host this Grand Prix, OK? ■

theawl.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com, wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

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