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Charm City Porn Star

Bangin’ Tunes

Photo: J.M. Giordano, License: N/A, Created: 2010:03:14 03:56:24

J.M. Giordano


As Baltimore’s original prodigal son of porn and the City Paper’s resident sex columnist, I thought I should share my favorite pieces of music to do the dirty-dirty to! My list is unconventional—there are no perennial faves like Barry White and James Brown. Not taking anything away from those respected artists, they just didn’t make my list. Everyone’s list will be different, but here are my suggestions:

10. “Oh,” Ciara: In my all-black BMW with black limo tint on the windows, you could all but disappear in the black leather of my backseat area. When it came time to hop back there with my “ex” for some hot, sweaty “quickies,” this dark, catchy, foreboding masterpiece of female hip-hop was always THE CHOICE and NEVER disappointed. Of course, it helps that silky-voiced Ciara is cooing in your ear the whole time. SO sexy. . .

9. Appetite for Destruction, Guns N’ Roses: Oh yeah. When there’s nothing “lovey-dovey” about what you’re about to do physically, when you just wanna plain F.U.C.K. from start to finish, this is sex-made-into-balls-to-the-wall, raunchy rock and roll music. Don’t be surprised if you end up with a couple scrapes and scruffs from “bumpin’ uglies” to this one. This was the soundtrack to more than one of my coke-fueled orgies back in my party days (daze).

8. “Venus in Furs,” Velvet Underground: This is one you REALLY have to be in a chemically assisted state of mind to enjoy as you need to have this tune on endless repeat. But the drone of John Cale’s violin will seamlessly bleed from one play to the next, and you won’t even notice it’s the same tune over and over again; it’ll just feel like one continuous, erotic song that drowns you in sexual atmosphere, with Lou Reed’s timeless poetic lyrics and still forward-thinking, avant-garde music. “Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather, whiplash girl-child in the dark. . .”

7. Side One of Led Zeppelin IV, Led Zeppelin: I include this one because I came of age just after the time of the cult-movie classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and one of the characters recommends this music selection to another character who thinks he’s about to lose his virginity. Years later, I took this advice myself, and damn if “Black Dog,” “Rock and Roll,” “The Battle of Evermore,” and “Stairway to Heaven” don’t still do the trick!

6. Kid A, Radiohead: The glitchy follow-up to the seminal OK Computer, this esoteric gem takes you into erotic cul-de-sacs (no pun intended) of sonic and sexual adventurism. It may, um, stretch your experience here and there, but stick with it: The overall payoff will take you on a real ride.

5. Live at the Lava Lounge, The Blue Hawaiians: These L.A. surf gods were huge in the Hollywood music scene long before they struck it rich writing all the music for Spongebob Squarepants, but don’t let that throw you. This album is so hallucinogenically dripping with acid-surf colors of steel guitar with delay effects that you will think you are making love on a beach on mushrooms with perfectly warm waves lovingly lapping over your naked bodies.

4. Dummy, Portishead: The next three are all ’90s trip-hop selections. Sorry, but I still love this genre and I think the music sounds as fresh, current, relevant, timeless, and horny as it did nearly 20 years ago. Dummy is Portishead’s first and best album, and Beth Gibbon’s trip-hop torch song-singing and the band’s seductive sonic-collage loops and beats will transport you and your partner to SexyLand.

3. Maxinquaye, Tricky: What Portishead did for trip-hop, Tricky took to the mountain top with this amazing and highly erotic record. Martina Topley-Bird and Alison Goldfrapp sing guest vocals and both have the type of voices that just radiate fantasy and eroticism. You will lose yourself in the musically alien sounds and female vocals, siren-song “moaning” of this record AND in each other.

2. “Teardrop,” Massive Attack: Probably the single best pop example of the trip-hop genre. Long before this special song was the theme to the TV show House, Massive Attack was wowing people with this unbelievably catchy and sensitive exploration into the bittersweet, tender side of human sexuality. I had an affair once with a married Jewish girl singer (who loved to take me to her synagogue with my tattoos out while she bought tickets for her and husband to attend Passover Seder; she was a dirty one. But don’t judge me too harshly, she lied to me constantly, telling me she wasn’t in love with him and was going to leave him for me every day), and she insisted on listening to this song every single time we sinned. We would put this song on repeat and would end up listening to it 15 times in a row before we finished in a sweaty, heaving mess on top of each other. Me, totally enthralled. . . her, not so much. . .

1. The Last Temptation of Christ soundtrack, Peter Gabriel: I shit you not. Take a few puffs on some happy smoke with your partner before getting naked to this lyric-less (not without vocalizations, just without lyrics), exotic instrument, polyrhythmic, sweeping, auditory epic journey that will take your sex to such spiritually carnal, hitherto unhit heights that you will find yourself lost in the overwhelming drama of it all. And the fact that was written for a religious movie just makes it that much dirtier.

Well, there you go. The next time you are making sweet music of the flesh, try adding one of these selections to your lustful skin trade for that extra boost of ambiance that will add new, exciting dimensions to your sex life. Or try one of your own. Everyone is different, but adding the extra element of sexy music has been a time-honored accent to passionate intercourse for millennia.

Indulge and please ALL the senses!

Write to Kurt at charmcitypornstar@citypaper.com and follow him on twitter @KurtlockwoodXXX.

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