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Mr. Wrong

Booze Issues

Not that you asked, but the “Mr. Wrong” column is a weekly general interest column that appears weekly on the pages and via the pixels of City Paper, Baltimore’s Free Alternative News and Entertainment weekly. I have been pooping out this column here and (a coupla other places) since the year Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight, anno Domini, more or less on the regular, at first and for a long time, every other week, and then for a while less frequently, but now every week in the City Paper, unless there’s a “special issue” such as City Paper’s “Best of Baltimore” or something like that.

I had a whole column all written for this week, like I do almost every week, but as of Press Time, The Man wanted me to change parts of it, but I am an Artist, you know? I can’t just be hacking up my Crazy Perfect Shining Flawless Weekly Diamond because somebody is afraid of it, you know?

Maybe some day I’ll put the column I wrote someplace, but right now it’s shoved all up Where The Sun Don’t Shine, you feel me?

This week’s episode of Baltimore’s Best Weekly Alternative is a “Theme Issue,” to wit, The Booze Issue, which lots of people can get behind, unless you are an Alcoholic, Anonymous or otherwise, in which case I want you to know I Respect you for your struggle, and I would never try and tell you how to live your life by diminishing your troubles to the tune of “lighten up and have a drink,” or any stupid stuff like that.

I don’t know anything about what you are dealing with, because I am not interested. I have enough problems, man, it’s your business, and you should handle it. There are people out there who are ready to help you, so you should go and get some of that help if you have figured out you might need some. It’s a Cruel World out there, brothers and sisters, you gotta take care of Number One! Nobody else will help you unless you get involved, especially when you have a Problem people like me will never completely understand because they don’t have The Gene or the DNA or whatever that makes you allergic to alcohol.

So look, we gotta agree to disagree on this one, Gentle Alcoholic Reader, because I enjoy the Alcohol. I would never ever want to be an Alcoholic because that would mean I could never have another drink, and that would make me super-sad. I think if you are an Alcoholic you should think about it like you are somebody who has a Nut Allergy or has that Condition where you have to be Gluten-Free, man, nobody wants to hear about your Gluten-Freedom, they just wanna eat a pizza that will make you sick if you eat it, so you gotta defend yourself.

Meanwhile, back on the Alcoholism front, you might even be annoyed or sad about this week’s Special Theme of Baltimore’s Most Party All The Time Weekly, or maybe you are doing well against your Addiction and you don’t give a flying fuck there’s an entire cover story and some other stuff inside this week’s paper devoted to getting loaded, or at least to getting a li’l buzz on, inebriation-wise.

I have said this before, more than likely in a loud voice with beer on my breath after a coupla hours in a tavern, but personally, I am of the Opinion that getting bombed is my Constitutional Right as a Citizen of Earth, and if hooch wasn’t so important, there wouldn’t be so many fucking ways to make it and pour it into your alco-hole. Yeah, man, it’s almost a Religious Experience sometimes, to get mellow with some Box Wine, or some Scotch, or some Vodka, or some Beer, or some Malt Beverage, or some Champagne, or some Gin, or some Pulque, or some Bourbon, or some Mezcal, or some Tequila, or some Cognac, or some Cold Duck, whatever the fuck that is, but I love that shit, Cold Duck, it’s like, fizzy Purple Kool-Aid, urp!

Yeah, alcohol is super-dangerous, man! Alcohol can kill you all kindsa ways, via Slow Death from relentlessly poisoning of your Vital Organs, or if you have a coupla pops and get behind the wheel of a car, you can kill yourself and lots of other people who are just driving or walking along minding their own business. There’s no Justice with this shit, man.

I believe you can also get killed from drinking alco-stuff that’s real easy to drink, like these delicious Energy Drinks that have booze in ’em, so you are cruisin’ along, drinking the Energy part, with herbs and spices or whatever, for Energy and Alertness, and at the same time you are getting way drunk, but you are a Highly Alert drunk, however, you are not alert to the fact you are totally fucking wasted, so you keep drinking and then you are in the hospital getting charcoal shoved down your gullet to soak up all the alcohol, that’s pretty fucked up.

The President of the United States of America said some stuff about Weed the other day, like maybe he thought it wasn’t as bad as booze, or maybe it’s as bad as booze and since people have booze they should have some pot, because if booze wasn’t legal there’s no way anybody would ever make it legal now, but basically, lots of people in This Great Land of Ours think you should be able to get some Weed and smoke it, and get fucked up in that manner, potwise.

I don’t think it’s an acceptable substitute, like you should go out and smoke some Weed if you can’t tolerate alcohol, because the whole Getting Altered aspect of smoking weed could have you deciding it’s OK to have that beer you should never have, you know? But I think maybe We the People should legalize the Weed, maybe like for a Test Period, a coupla years? What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Please with your ears drink in Jim and Joe’s Top-Rated Podcast (NSFW), also featuring City Paper’s “Spitballin’” columnist Jim Meyer, at backoftheclassguys.com. Email wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

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