Bitter Pizza to Swallow
Published: June 20, 2012
I HOPE THIS IS A trick or a publicity stunt or a way to get somebody interested in buying into their business, but I read on The Baltimore Sun’s Internet at 4:05 p.m., EDT on June 15, 2012, by Richard Gorelick, all about how Iggies, which is a place that has excellent pizza, is gonna move from 818 Calvert St. in Mount Vernon, Baltimore, America to someplace in Towson. Now look, first of all, no offense to Towson or any Towsonians (Towsonites? Towsoners?) but this is not cool. Not because Iggies is moving to Towson, but on account of because Iggies is leaving the city of Baltimore. Do you see that important distinction? The Iggies people who were quoted in the article didn’t get quoted any quotes about how they are expanding or opening up a branch office or whatever, they are simply moving, as in out of Baltimore. They are taking Pizza out of Baltimore. Less pizza. On purpose.
I’m not even gonna get into what this would do to The Economy and stuff, in Baltimore, the city, because I am taking this personally, somebody saying I can’t have pizza!
There was some stuff in that article by Richard Gorelick—who used to write for this paper, City Paper, a paper about the City of Baltimore—about “lifestyle,” blah, blah, and wanting to make gelato, blah, and blah, but seriously, let’s talk about my lifestyle, man, it is centered around pizza, and unless there was a big important fact left out of this article, like you are not closing the Calvert Street Iggies, then you, Iggies, are choking some pizza out of my lifestyle.
I am a big fan of the Iggies pizza. It is thin and always cooked perfectly, with quality toppings. They make a great pizza with mushroom and leeks, and the one with duck on it is killer. They also make a dessert-type pizza with pears and Gorgonzola cheese that usually when I order it I have to get a box because I ate too many other pizzas, but then later, man, that is some delicious pear and Gorgonzola pizza, seriously. But no more? No pizza for the City of Baltimore from Iggies? I can’t Believe it, man, what kinda successful business decides to fold up a successful location and go to Towson? No offense to any Towsoneers.
I was gonna go and have a last pizza there, a final slice of Iggies, because Towson might as well be in Idaho as many times as I’m gonna make a trip to Towson to have some pizza what with all the fine pizza opportunities right here in Baltimore, but I am mad now, at Iggies, for moving their pies to Towson (no offense to any Towsonerians), so I am done with Iggies, I break with Iggies now, man, for reals, I am not going to have any more pizzas from Iggies, because I officially do not like them and their pizza now, since they are taking it away from me. Sour grapes, sour anchovies, whatever. You need to understand that for me to say I am not going to have some pizza is like saying I would not want my morning helping of Heroin if I was a Heroin Enthusiast, OK? Pizza is one of the reasons life is Worth Living. What did the City of Baltimore do to deserve this kinda treatment, huh, Iggies? And hey Iggies, we put up with your dopey no-reservations policy and stood around waiting for a table, and we put up with all the noise and all the hollering when somebody’s pizza was done because your restaurant didn’t have any waitstaff, the pizza guy would scream out when your pizza was done, and also, you never got a liquor license, so it was always a pain in the ass to make sure somebody brought some beer or wine so we could enjoy our pizza in a civilized manner. I am talking about you as if you were Dead, Iggies, because your thin crust and delicious toppings are dead to me, morto.
And yeah, I don’t think you should go there anymore either, Gentle Reader. I am bitter and rejected about this pizza pullout, and I think you should also be angry and bitter at the Iggies. They are taking away pizza, which is made out of Bread, which is the Staff of Life, and no, thou dost not liveth by bread alone, but by pepperoni and tomato and sun-dried tomato, and the sausage, upon it. But I recommend the duck, seriously.
I will walk the streets of the City of Baltimore and I will enjoy the pizzas of the pizza makers who seem to think Baltimore is a fine place to do business, pizza makers such as Angelos, Joe Squared, Hersh’s, Matthews, even that movie-star guy Chazz Palminteri, from New York, who came to Baltimore to make a pizza place, say whatever you want, he is in Baltimore, and I will enjoy his pizza in gratitude and appreciation for being in my city. I will enjoy those pizzas and more, as long as they are in the city. Let’s put it another way: I will eat a Little Ceasar Domino Papa John whatever fucking pizza before I ever put a slice of Iggies in my pizza-hole ever again, Iggies, you broke my heart.
I hope this is not true, and if it is, you should seriously consider making a deal with somebody (me) who really Loves and Understands pizza and let them run your Calvert Street joint, like as a franchise or something. Think about it. Will work for pizza.
> Email Joe MacLeod