Trending
Calendar
 
CP on Facebook

 

CP on Twitter
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Bank Holiday

This is one of my most favorite times of the year, seriously, but not because of the weather, because, like, no offense, even if it’s “good” for February, it’s still February all up in here on the mid-Atlantic chunk of the Eastern Seaboard where I dwell, you know?

No man, this is one of the wonderfulest times of the year because after Super Bowl and Groundhog and Valentine’s, which are all pretty low-impact, there aren’t any pressure-type Consumo-days of Obligation for months and months, you know? Even though they try and trick you with Presidents’ Day, telling you to buy a new car or a mattress or a big-screen teevee, there isn’t any solid Holiday reason to, especially since most people (me) have no fucking clue when Presidents’ Day exactly is, or which Presidents belong to it anyway, you know?

I mean, no offense to any Dead Presidents, because I’m an American and I take my Consuming for the Economy seriously, but after all the Thanksgiving/Xmas/New Year’s of The Holidays, I need to relax and recharge my Spending muscles, especially since The Man has still not come up with any Relief for me as a Homeowner, you know?

I mean, I bought a house fair and square, with Interest and a Mortgage and everything, and then there was a Bubble or whatever, and now my Castle is worth less money than I have to pay back to the bank for borrowing it, you know? Does that make sense? How is that possible? I mean, how can some guy drive by my house and say it is worth thousands and thousands of less dollars than I paid for it with money I got from the bank? An “assessment” or whatever? I got a receipt for this house and everything, man, I know how much I paid for it, it’s not, like, an abbreviation on the Stock Market, where I’m looking for it to go up a few ticks before I dump it. I live in this thing, you know? I’m not “flipping” this thing, like those assholes on Cable Television who buy a dump, slap up some new doors on the kitchen cabinets and a cheapass Berber carpet on the floor, and make $50K when they sell it to some sucker, no man, I’m all into living in my Home and Improving it, with like, some paint, and I’m gonna get somebody to build a roof on the deck out back and screen it in so I can sit out there without getting eaten alive by parasitic insects and stuff, and I’m gonna put some Solar Power on this thing, up on the roof and be all Environmental, and I’m even doing, like, mulch, and rocks, and better plants in the front yard, mostly because I hate grass and having to cut it, it’s stupid, so if I can cover my front yard with flowers and little bushes and stuff I can spend more time out back not getting eaten by bugs.

I planted all these bulbs a coupla years ago, and what you do is, you plant ’em in the ground, and then they come up and they are Beautiful, flowers and stuff, and then later, you can dig up the bulbs when they are done being beautiful flowers, and you end up with more bulbs than you started with, so you hide ’em in a cool dark place, and then you plant ’em back in the ground and eventually your entire lawn has been choked out by a carpet of beautiful flowers and there’s no annoying grass to mow. That is totally an Improvement, on my house.

Look, if my house is worth less money than I said I would pay for it, why do I have to keep paying the more-money price? This is a Racket, man, telling me my house is worth Less Money while you got me paying More Money. We The People kicked all our tax-crumbs into a bucket that Relief-slopped all you Bank hogs who sold each other these Collateralized Debt Obligations or whatever, so howabout I sell my Collateralized Debt all back to you, and let’s look at how much I owe if you’re telling me my deal is Underwater or whatever, Bubblewise.

I’m not looking for a handout here, alls I’m saying is my house should be worth what I am gonna completely pay for it, to the Bank some day, you know? We planned on me paying a Certain Amount for the house, because that was what it was Worth. I’m nowhere near done paying the Bank for this house, but if my thing is “Underwater” and it’s not gonna be worth what I’m paying for it, years and years from now in The Future, then why should I be paying that price? I’ll pay you some money, I didn’t say I wouldn’t pay some money, man, because I live here, but it’s like, OK, when I signed on the line for a real good time, we all agreed my house was gonna cost a certain amount of money, and now you are telling me it is not worth that much money, so let’s sit down and refigure this paperwork. And don’t give me that crap about how my credit is not good enough man, I got this house that I (sorta) own and that should be worth some Collateral or something, right? I mean, I improved the lawn, c’mon.

theawl.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com

  • The Mr. Wrong Column is Now a Brand I am gonna Brand the Motherfucking shit outta The Mr. Wrong Column! Brand So Hard the Brand will Brand itself all the way through to the other side of Branding! I don’t know what that means! | 4/23/2014
  • Column Helper Sometimes I haz a busy Weekend with many Obligations, and I get a li’l bit behind on my Deadlines. | 4/16/2014
  • Sneezin’ is the Reason for the Season Hey everybody it’s still Spring! It wasn’t a trick! | 4/9/2014
  • Jam Up Jelly Tight What the hell is this “Strawberry Jelly” shit I been seeing at diners? Who the fuck asked for that? | 3/26/2014
  • What are Words Worth? I’m pretty happy the “Mr. Wrong” column is still in City Paper | 3/19/2014
We welcome user discussion on our site, under the following guidelines:

To comment you must first create a profile and sign-in with a verified DISQUS account or social network ID. Sign up here.

Comments in violation of the rules will be denied, and repeat violators will be banned. Please help police the community by flagging offensive comments for our moderators to review. By posting a comment, you agree to our full terms and conditions. Click here to read terms and conditions.
comments powered by Disqus