All The Holidays Stuffed Into One
Spending money is why many people hate The Holidays, and also, at the same time, for many Americans, the Active Ingredient of any The Holidays is buying stuff.
Published: November 20, 2013
It’s almost The Holidays! Aiieee!!! For me personally, the definition of The Holidays is the time period from Thanksgiving through Super Bowl, with Groundhog Day as like an Epilogue of sorts, but for you, The Holidays can be whatever the flying fuckbats you want ’em to be, and I wish you a happy one of those, individually and collectively. Conversely, if you want a Holiday from The Holidays, I respect that, do your thing and don’t do a thing. Meanwhile, let’s have a The Holidays! What’s to eat? Right?
It’s fun when some The Holidays are aligned, for instance, this year Chanukah and Thanksgiving are pretty much simultfuckingtaneous, which means my Dream of a turkey stuffed with latkes, or kugel, or maybe even short ribs, could be a Reality, a The Holidays Miracle, if you will. Man, The Holidays make me hungry. I would eat a turkey stuffed with sufganiyot. C’mon, loosen up, it’s The Holidays! Your pants, mostly, you may be inclined to loosen, after that turkey stuffed with brisket. Ohh.
Hey, don’t you fucking hate it when people say to you “So, are you ready for The Holidays?” They (and you know who They are) probably think they are making pleasant conversation, with their casual inquiry as to you and your state of The Holidays-Readiness, with their feigned concern for you and if you are “ready,” whatever that implies, Readiness for The Holidays. Did I buy stuff? Did I go to the shoe-repair place and get the shoe-cobbler to punch an extra hole (or two) in my belt for the deep-fried turkey stuffed with donuts that have gravy inside? Did I have a good cry while scrubbing the bathroom floor to get it ready for The Holidays? I’m only mad at the dirt, not The Holidays! Personally, I am always ready for The Holidays. How can you not be? All you gotta do is sit there! The price of The Holidays is Eternal Readiness, I always say, to goofballs who ask me am I ready for The Holidays. Hey, “How about you?” I retort, “Are you ready for your The Holidays? Are you? Really?” Of course, when I say that, I run the risk of them answering in detail, blah, blah, blahblahblah, but I’m not listening, just like they weren’t listening, really and sincerely, to my crap, before, during, and after they asked me if I was ready for my The Holidays. What if I’m not? What if I’m really and profoundly not ready for The fucking Holidays? Why are you being mean? You just asked me if I’m ready for The Holidays and I’m not ready! You know perfectly goddamn well I’m not ready for The Holidays! Look at me! Do I look ready? Why do you hurt me with pointing this out? Help me! I don’t know what to do! The Holidays are coming and I am unprepared! Look, give me three hundred dollars, OK? Then I will be ready for The Holidays. You asked! You asked me if I am ready for The Holidays, and I am telling you! Deal with my response! In the spirit of The Holidays! You have taken Mental Ownership of my The Holidays with your thoughtful and Caring interrogative! Now you pay the price! This is your The Holidays guilt trip! I won’t have a The Holidays if you don’t give me Three Hundred Dollars! You know what, you, you’re not ready for the Holidays! That’s why you asked, you are projecting your complete lack of not being ready for The Holidays on to me! Get away from me! Go! Go get ready for The Holidays! You are a bad person! Wait, come back! I still need that Three Hundred! I accept the Bitcoins! OK, whatever, if I don’t see you before then, have a great The Holidays!
To be ready for The Holidays, most of the time the assumption is you will be spending money, pissing away money, just fucking endlessly hemorrhaging money all over the place, all over The Holidays, like gravy on a slice of kugel-stuffed turkey. I don’t have any problem with buying stuff or presents or anything like that, because this is America, and you can do whatever you want for your The Holidays, and if your version of The Holidays is all about the giving and receiving of stuff, then I would again reiterate, repeat, and reinforce my wish to you for the happiest of The Holidays, as long as it doesn’t involve pissing on somebody else’s The Holidays because I’m trying to keep it Positive up in here, The Holidays-wise.
So, spending money is why many people hate The Holidays, and also, at the same time, for many Americans, the Active Ingredient of any The Holidays is buying stuff. The Buying is their The Holidays, the getting of the Bargain is their fucking The Holidays! It’s all about National Cognitive Dissonance, man. Everybody rolls their eyes and disapproves of Walmart and Target opening on Thanksgiving to get a (turkey) leg up on the competition for the “Black Friday” shopping dollar, and meanwhile people go to the motherfucking Walmart and the fucking fuck-fuck Target to get a Big-Screen TV player for five bucks or whatever the new “loss leader” is to get asses into the store.
Look, Lots of people don’t care if they work on Thanksgiving, lots of people absolutely are already required to work on Thanksgiving. I’m waiting to hear from people who work at Target and Walmart and wherever the fuck else Management decides to jam workers out of a Paid Holiday behind this. Are they making it worth your while? Personally, if somebody told me I was gonna get double-time or something, or an extra day off when I want, I could be convinced to work on The Holidays, as long as I didn’t think I was gonna get fired for not “opting-in,” you know? So maybe people who work in Retail are OK with this open-on-Thanksgiving thing. I would like to name this new Annual Day of Preemptive Shopping the day before Black Friday, and the name of this day shall be: “Brown Thursday.” You’re welcome, and if I don’t see you, have a Happy The Holidays!
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