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Mr. Wrong

All Glory is Fleeting

“For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph—a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.”

—George C. Scott as Gen. George S. Patton Jr., in the major motion picture Patton, 1970, directed by Franklin J. Schaffner, written by Francis Ford Coppola and Edmund H. North

Careful readers of the Mr. Wrong column are aware that my Day Job is doing Graphic Art stuff for City Paper, Baltimore’s Free Alternative Weekly, and even the less-careful readers’ memories may serve them correctly if they recall—because I mention it every fucking week—the Mr. Wrong column being the 2011 recipient of the first-place award as “Best Column” by the Association of Alternative Newsmedia, which holds an annual convention and hosts a tumultuous Awards Ceremony, bestowing the modern-day equivalent of Golden Crowns upon triumphant winners of various awards for Outstanding Achievements in Excellence, and this year, in the city of Miami, Florida, America, Your Baltimore City Paper has been covered in glory, owing to the talents of writers Edward Ericson Jr. and Henry Hong, photographers Frank Klein and Ryan “Rarah” Stevenson, illustrator Alex Fine, and me, me, me in my capacity as Art Director right here in the ink-gets-on-your-fingers newsprint of City Paper, Baltimore’s Weekly Alternative to Not-Winning Awards.

In what must have certainly been a Triumphal and Alternative Awards Ceremony (I’m not 100-percent sure because I couldn’t get anybody to cover my expenses for me to go to Miami and attend it), Mr. Ericson Jr. took second place in the Long-Form News Story category, Mr. “Rarah” Stevenson took second place in the category of Photography, and Misters Fine, Hong, Klein, “Rarah” Stevenson, and myself combinated into a giant award-winning Pacific Rim/Voltron-type robot machine and captured first place for the cover story of the March 7, 2012 episode of City Paper, a sprawling feature revolving around Baltimore’s CHEESE FISH, which is a fried fish sandwich with cheese on it, and which you probably don’t think about too much, but we did, eight pages’ worth, man.

All over the World (and Canada), you may view the award-winning and Brobdingnagian CHEESE FISH story layout here citypaper.com/baltimorecheesefish. The CHEESE FISH feature is so completely and absolutely swimming with images and words with respect to obtaining many different types of fish and to a lesser degree shellfish, there’s no way this story couldn’t have triumphed in Award Combat, its enemies driven before it (no offense to the non-winners) in a Conqueror’s Triumph. CHEESE FISH!

CHEESE FISH, in the manner of the Iliad and the Odyssey and other Epics, was created with everything left in and nothing left out, I mean, we got to use all kinds of art and photography for this, we went out and bought a coupla actual CHEESE FISH sandwiches and took pictures of ’em here in the office (Mr. “Rarah” Stevenson), we took pictures of places where you can buy fish (Mr. Klein), we made drawings of a bunch of the various fish and fish-related food items you can buy to eat in Baltimore (Mr. Fine), we used stock photography of assorted sea creatures available for you to prepare and eat, and we used little pieces of clip art for little fish pictures (Shutterstock) in a story that will stand as the most comprehensive guide to CHEESE FISH and the consumption of seafood in general until City Paper decides to do another one. Huzzah for Baltimore’s Fishiest Alternative Weekly!

I dunno why Henry Hong didn’t win an award for writing that thing, but if he hadn’t done any writing, the rest of us would not be basking in the accolades bestowed upon us by the Association of Alternative Newsmedia, representing “a diverse group of 124 alternative news organizations covering every major metropolitan area and other less-populated regions of North America. AAN member publications reach more than 25 million active, educated and influential adults in print, on the web and on mobile devices.”

I got that off the AAN website, altweeklies.com, which also teaches us “the winners were chosen by judges at the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism at Ohio University as the most outstanding from a field of over 900 entries submitted by alternative publications across the U.S. and Canada.” And Canada, yeah!

The AAN, or Association of Alternative Newsmedia for long, used to call itself the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies, as in newspapers, as in the kind that happen weekly, but I guess the AAN has decided that newsprint, like Glory, is fleeting, and they are reconfiguring themselves into something less Newspaper and more Media, although they still have that dot-com of altweeklies.com, but I guess they are going to change that, and start using a dot-com like associationofalternativenewsmedia.com, or altnewsmedia.com, since it says on whois.com—where you go to look up who owns a dot-com—that the AAN owns those dot-coms, but they just don’t connect to altweeklies.com yet, like you can do if you want with your dot-com, have it go to a different dot-com, you know? I noticed altnewsmedia.xxx is still open, if anybody wants to buy it. Anyway, I looked up allgloryisfleeting.com, and nobody owns it, and that kinda makes sense.

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