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Mr. Wrong

A Fifth of July

I hope you enjoyed a nice king-sized Holiday Weekend, if you were able to get that Friday off between Thursday (the Fourth of July) and Saturday (the Whatever of July), to create a Four of July, as in Days Off, assuming you had a job to be off, of course.

I am one of the percenters fortunate enough to have a Day Job, and columning the Mr. Wrong column is the cherry on the Ice Cream Sundae of my Work Week, paycheck-wise, and I would never take a vacation from Getting Paid for filing my column, so I just shift the writing around, like I shift around the same words of my limited vocabulary into a shiny new column every week, sometimes with the help of a Gentle Reader, in this case, my new best friend Christina T. from the Internet, who is typing in to my column to congratulate me on me having my column:

Congratulations for the award that you got for the wrong column but for the right reasons I enjoy your wrong column sometimes because you cannot enjoy it always especially when is not there. Really you have an entertaining and down to earth column that sometimes tackles serious issues and if you know Joel Stein from the awesome column in the reputable newsweeek you and him should do a column or better yet a newspaper together it will be totally unit shifting!!!

Wowee, thanks, Christina T.! I went on my Internet to look for “Joel Stein” on the Google, and I mighta missed something, but it seems like right now maybe he isn’t doing columns anymore. Probably he is writing books, which is something I have always noticed you can do after you write lots of columns, I think, and is a pretty good idea, eh? In review, I would totally write a column or a newspaper with Mr. Stein if I got paid, but I can’t speak for him, because that would be overly familiar.

However, this makes me think a lot more about writing a book, though, seriously. I have made a lot of words for my award-winning column before and after it was award-winning, something like a Quarter of a Million Words, at least, since The Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight (does not include Tax or Gratuity), so I know I can easily crap out a whole buncha words more than I usually do and make it into a fucking book, are you kidding me? I lay down about a thousand words, 900 words, on a column, unless I get some help from something I quote or I run a letter like that nice one we just read from Christina T., so all I gotta do is write 1,000 words at a time, divided into however many words you need for a book, and I’m golden, so if anybody wants to pay me to write a book, please contact me here at my award-winning column, thank you.

I figure if a book is like, what, 50,000 words, then I could write one by the end of summer, which, now that we have passed the Fourth of July, is all now officially Pure Summer and no Holidays or anything, just Summer! With a capital Ummer! Yeah! Let’s go get a watermelon!

My most favorite time of year (besides certain food-centric Holidays) is when there are no Holidays, zero, nothing, and in this case, right now in this current no-nothing zone, it’s happening inside of my fave time of year, weather-wise, as in Hazy, Hot, and Humid, yeah!

I love it, man, when I start sweating from the Hotness and/or the Humid (but generally never from the Hazy), I always think about how I’m gonna feel in fucking February, you know, when there are icicles and zero degrees and that blather from some weather-pimp on teevee about how it’s 30 degrees but with the wind it will feel like it is Five Million Degrees Below Absolute Zero and any Exposed Flesh will immediately crystallize and fall off, blergh. And short days, man, the days are short in the winter of my discontent and there’s not so much sun even when it is the daytime! Fuck winter, man! Let’s go get a snoball at the exact opposite time when you can make one out of dirty snow off the street! I want a blue one!

I am all about July right now, you know? It’s like an Intoxicant (outside of all the refreshing beer I am drinking to cool down while I am working up a sweat opening beer cans and crushing the empties with my new lever-activated can crusher I finally installed in my castle this weekend so I can flatten cans all the better to fit into my Recycling bins), seriously, it’s a Fifth of your finest July, aged in an applewood-smoked oak barrel or some bullshit like that, and it goes down as easy as a double rainbow after a steamy July cloudburst, you know? Yeah! Let’s go to the drive-in movies!

This is it, man, this is the Purest Form of Summer, right now! Get you some! Uncut Summer! Let’s go use it up before it becomes all September-y and the leaves give up and fall down! Let’s go to the beach and drink a refreshing beverage while we watch the sun set! Oh no! Another day almost all used up! Let’s go swimming!

What are you doing this Summer? You don’t have to do anything, you know, you can just lie on the couch with a damp washcloth on your forehead. That is a 100 percent valid Summer Activity, and it’s relaxing, to just lie there with maybe a nice fan blowing air on you, it’s very relaxing, the air, and the sound of the fan, and that is something you totally need to do in the Summer, relax, let your mind drift, think about how hot it might be today or tomorrow, and how much you will miss it when it’s fucking February. Tomorrow let’s go someplace and eat something Summer-y, like a crab or a hot dog! Hurry!

wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

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