A Big Bowl of Sad
Published: January 25, 2012
Wow, hey Baltimore, I’m sorry man, nobody wanted to think about Your Baltimore Ravens losing, but damn, nobody ever thought they would go out like that, on a last-minute missed field goal, ouch, seriously, that is, well, it is just Sad, you know? They coulda tied it, won, even.
Now is Sad!
I only just now moved my ass off the couch, where I was watching the football game, followed by a coupla minutes of just staring at the teevee screen (in a way more vacant manner than usual), because, it’s not like I couldn’t believe what happened, I mean, it happened, there were all kindsa chances in the last few plays of the game for the Ravens to score, and that was frustrating, but a missed Field Goal, man, nobody wants to go out, but nobody wants to go out like that, you know?
Anyway, I started to peck out this column, and my mind floated out over the Baltimore of Football, the Baltimore of Right Now After the Game, the Baltimore of Right After Not Winning, and it’s Cold out, and Winter-quiet, and Sad.
Footballtimore is Sad.
People are talking way quieter than they were a few minutes ago, when the game was still a Game. Nobody is hollering any more. There are faces, painted Purple, and they are gonna be scrubbed off soon, because it’s Over. There is nothing bad about Purple Face, but Purple Face is not appropriate any longer. Anybody who wakes up Monday morning with Purple Face will be extra-Sad.
And this is not a Pride thing, you know? People have Pride in their Purple, you cannot subtract that kind of Pride just because your team lost. Right now there is Sad sprinkled on top of it for a while.
And there is probably no more Purple/Casual Friday until next Football Season, unless people wanna Mourn, you know? That would be appropriate, to have a Mourning Purple Friday of Casual Friday.
People are going home from where they watched the game in boisterous groups, where they were Happy, and full of Life and Excitement, and now there’s no talking, no more amusing verbal disparagements and derogatory remarks directed at the Quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots, his wife, and his haircut, now there is just finding your coat and going home.
I don’t think anybody is mad at that guy who missed the field goal. People are just Sad.
There is only Sad.
Nobody is gonna order too-many-more drinks at the bar, so the bars are Sad. Nobody’s probably gonna buy too much more Purple stuff, like hats or T-shirts or those Purple stick-on moustaches, until next year, so everybody who sells Purple stuff is sad.*
There won’t be any more pizzas ordered for victory parties, so pizza places are Sad. Also: Chicken Wings.
Strip joints are sad because nobody’s gonna be so happy about Winning they go out more and spend the money they won from betting on the Ravens, so strippers are Sad. I wouldn’t want to be a stripper tonight, you know? Talk about a Tough Crowd.
I don’t know any Professional Football Players, but I bet they are Sad, the Football Players of the Baltimore Ravens, even though they make a lot of money. You still have a right to be Sad when you have a Bad Day at the office, you know?
I was looking forward to the jacked-up Baltimore, the Swolt-up-and-Purple Baltimore of Going to the Super Bowl, seriously, with all the Purple lights all over town, and I rooted for Your Baltimore Ravens, and I am Sad they lost, for reals, but I have a Personal Relationship with a Higher Power, you know?
Yeah, man, I Believe in Super Bowl.
Super Bowl! Arrrroooo!!!!! Yeah, America! I mean, I know there is the Pro Bowl next week, but that’s on the NBC network, you know? NoBody Cares! Hiyo! Look man, the “Mr. Wrong” column only runs every-whatever-other week, so I won’t get a chance to write a pre-Super Bowl column in Baltimore’s Most Sad The Ravens Lost Weekly, so I gotta squeeze it in with the Sad! It’s Yin and Yang, man, the Circle of Football! Super Bowl XLVI!
I don’t even know who is playing yet except for the fuckers who beat the Ravens, so I guess I could root for them, to lose, but I don’t care man! They can both lose for all I care! It’s Super Bowl Roman Numerals L minus X plus V plus I!!! Chicken Wings, goddammit!
I’m gonna Get In On one of those wagering schemes where you just pick a box and then some random numbers get assigned to it and then if the score of the game has those numbers you win! You root for numbers, you don’t even root for a team because the numbers can switch! Super Bowl!!! Arrroooo! XLVI! Man, I sure wish Baltimore had a “Sports Book” (in a casino) for wagering on Sports instead of just stupid Slot Machines, because then I could participate in Super Bowl even more fully, you know? C’mon, cheer up! The Ravens are Your Football Team, but Super Bowl is Football!
* The guy who made this badass Ramones-looking Ravens shirt (detail pictured above) might sell a few more, though, because those are pretty cool. They might even make people less sad.
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