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City Paper Readers’ Most Embarrassing Sex Stories

The Sights, the Sounds, the Smells

Photo: Illustrations by: Ben Claassen, License: N/A

Illustrations by: Ben Claassen

I just moved into my new apartment. My longtime casual sex partner (FWB) wants to come over to “see the new place.” So we start doing our thing. He is going down on me. It’s getting pretty intense and I am about to climax when I accidentally let out a ridiculously loud fart. I was mortified!! But he is a champ and he kept going until I reached maximum orgasm!!

I used to live with a boyfriend and his mom. She worked during the day, so we jumped on the opportunity to get busy in the afternoon. Since we had the house to ourselves, I was being pretty loud, because why not, right? While we were in the middle of doing our thing, the cordless phone rang.He answered it, still inside me, since it was on the bed with us and he reasoned that whoever it was would keep calling if he didn’t pick up. The person on the other end of the phone was his mom—she had come home while we were in the middle of our sexcapade and, upon realizing the house phone was in our bedroom, called my boyfriend to ask me to quiet down because I was being too loud.

cp_20140212_featured_3.jpgAn ex and I were engaging in some butt activities. With my butt to be specific. When we were done he told me there was a bit of poop. My normal human reaction was to get up and run to the bathroom. He neglected to tell me exactly how much, and in the process of getting up, I smeared it onto the bed and apparently some fell on the floor. I was unaware of the turd lurking on the floor until it was stepped on. Not by me. My ex stepped in my shit.

cp_20140212_featured_2.jpgSo back in the day of college dorms, when I was on my period I used to have my then-boyfriend tie me up on the twin bed, because you know, little kinky me. But anyway, so I was blowing him off and was getting really into it so he came fairly quickly. Unfortunately, he drank a lot of water beforehand, so as I was swallowing him, the cum turned almost immediately into a heavy stream of piss. It took me a bit to realize, though, and when he did pull out, I was tied to the spot so he continued to pee all over me. He was mortified and I was in shock. My reaction to shock is to laugh for 10 minutes straight, still tied to the bed. I don’t think I had ever laughed so hard.

cp_20140212_featured_4.jpgMy First Time: We did not want to be all cliche (when we decided to ‘do it’ for the first time). So after the prom, instead of renting out a beach house with a pile of friends, we opted for the seclusion of camping. We were told to pick any site; we liked the one right by the water pump.The dancing and drive were tiring, so my prom dress came off, but the romance happened in the morning. To everyone’s surprise, it turns out that I happen to be enthusiastically loud during lovemaking. It also turns out that an entire Girl Scouts troop was washing dishes at the pump. Oh yes, trust me, they heard it all. I think they probably tell the story more than I do. YOLO.

cp_20140212_featured_5.jpgAfter three successful dates with a handsome doctor, the two of us decided to take it to the bedroom. He asked me if I liked it doggie-style and I said, “of course!” so we start going at it. Halfway through, he starts barking uncontrollably, so loudly that my roommate bangs on my door and asks if everything is OK. Never called him back, but my roommate still refers to him as Dr. Dog.

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