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Power Rankings

Baltimore City Power Rankings

Photo: Illustrations by Alex Fine, License: N/A

Illustrations by Alex Fine


1 Sandy

Frankenstorm? Really? As all your genius friends on Facebook have already told you, Frankenstein wasn’t the monster, but the doctor who made him! BCPR prefers to think of the event that, at press time, was scheduled to obliterate Charm City as sharing its name with the cute dog from Annie or the hot prude from Grease. Oh, Sandy!

2 Supermarkets

Like Americans everywhere, Baltimoreans express their panic by buying things: Local stores have been emptied of everything from bottled water and flashlights to toilet paper—the apocalypse might come, but our asses’ll be clean! BCPR is starting to think Safeway and Giant have colluded to seed the clouds.

3 Buck Showalter

In an inevitable but nonetheless appreciated sign of how much the O’s manager was responsible for this most improbable of seasons, Showalter was voted Sporting News’ AL Manager of the Year. Thanks to Buck and the team’s passionate play in 2012, BCPR is BUCKled the fuckle up for April 2013!

4 Harborplace

On the heels of the loss to the Yankees in the ALDS, it stings a little that New York-based Ashkenazy Acquisition Corp.—which owns Washington D.C.’s Union Station—has, in fact, acquisitioned Harborplace. But business is business, and with current owners in bankruptcy, the move bodes well for downtown’s crown jewel, which has become a bit tarnished in recent years. But the Yankees still suck!

5 Baltimore Gas and Electric

You’ve almost got to feel for sorry for BGE. Four months after a derecho wiped out power to half the city and they royally screwed the pooch with misinformation, week-long outages, and the PR disaster of charging customers for power they didn’t have, along comes Sandy to knock out lines all over again. BCPR can only hope the message will finally get through: Bury the power lines already! It’s electrifying!

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