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A Hero Ain’t Nothing but a Manwich

The third Iron Man movie is better than the second one but not as good as The Avengers

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Iron Man is not just an empty suit, most of the time


Iron Man 3

Directed by Shane Black

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Now is the latest big and shiny (and in some theaters, 3-D) episode of the Iron Man comic book movies, and this movie is OK as far as Iron Man movies go, but enough already. It’s not like you shouldn’t go see it; if you enjoy comic book movies, it’s definitely better than the last Iron Man movie with Mickey Rourke and that electric rope or whatever gimmick he had, but at this point it seems like they (director/writer Shane Black and wiseacre/movie star Robert Downey Jr.) are wrapping it up, because it doesn’t look like there’s anywhere left to go with this Iron Man character all by itself, as opposed to being part of that Avengers movie, where there were lots of other characters besides Robert Downey Iron Man Jr. to keep it interesting.

Rich genius Tony Stark (as behaved by Rob’t D’wny Jr.) invented this Iron Man thing, a robot-suit you can climb into and fly around and fuck shit up and be a Hero in, and in the other two movies the Bad People were already trying to steal or copy the Iron Man, so the movies are supposed to be about the squishy thing stuffed inside the metal sandwich, because that’s the Hero part, the Special part, the part to Care about, otherwise the Iron Man is just a weapon anybody can use without a permit or a background check. That’s a total SPOILER ALERT. Kidding, nobody would ever try and take the Man out of the Iron Man suit, right? And do Bad Things? Who would do that?

So there are these Bad People and they do some stuff and Iron Man Stark says something like “Bad People, I will fight you,” and then all kinds of action-y shit happens, and there’s lotsa seriously cool explosion-destruction things going on, and that’s where you decide if it was worth it to pay the extra money for the 3-D ticket, and in this case, it’s not really worth it, really, we saw this for free, and if it didn’t look so fucked up and headachey to look at the movie without the 3-D glasses, they would have come off. When will Hollywood put the 3-D glasses stuff on the screen so we can just look at it without glasses?

Anyway, it’s not just all kinds of shit blowing up and Iron Man flying around (there’s lots of that, the most ever, seriously, you’ll see how SPOILER ALERTy this statement is), there’s a decent story here, because this movie is written by Shane Black, who also wrote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which was a super-fun movie and seemed to be custom-written for Robert Downey Jr., and Shane Black does stories that totally make fun of Hollywood movies while at the same time showing how hard they are, Hollywood movies, and so you will witness the Iron Man (Contents: One Robert Downey Jr.) spending a lot of non-Iron Man time as Tony Stark trying to be a good human being or whatever, especially after he [SPOILER ALERT]ed the Planet Earth in that Avengers comic book movie, and it doesn’t help that The Avengers comic book movie was way better than this movie and the other two Iron Mans combined, in terms of anybody ever wanting to do another Iron Man movie again, but here we are, and really, it’s fine, there’s all kinds of obstacles for RDJR to overcome out of his Iron Man shell, and don’t think that means this movie isn’t any fun, because it’s lots of fun, mostly because Rob’t Jr. is really good at acting like he doesn’t give a fuck about the story, and neither will you, but in a good movie-enjoying way, except for the Shane Black Hollywood Movie Device of throwing a preternaturally intelligent child into the plot mix, bleagh.

Also starring Gwyneth Paltrow not-Jr. as Pepper Potts, a stupid comic book name based on an ancient variety of Campbell’s Soup containing tripe, you could look it up. Pepper is Tony Stark’s lady and she gets to wear a killer white business suit at the beginning of the movie, but her look devolves from there, mostly because she is Tony Stark’s lady, and everybody knows he’s Iron Man, especially the Bad People, who are really good at being Bad People this time around, played by Guy Pearce, and especially Ben Kingsley as a terrorist-type Bad Guy (aren’t they all) but Sir Kingsley really gets a lot to work with, and it’s very Shane Blackian, if that’s a thing, and Don Cheadle is totally a boring sidekick part, and Jon Favreau is just kinda large and pasty-looking but he gets to do enough to be a good part of the story, and there are so many product placements it looks like real life but with crappier 3-D.

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