Let’s say you’re one of those people who got rid of the cable death star and watch all your TV online. And let’s say you’re not a person who has a sports bar where you normally go watch games. But let’s also say you love your city and would like to spend Sunday watching the game with other Baltimoreans.

First, if you know nothing about the football at all and want to get up to speed, listen to Jenn Wasner and Chris Freeland’s hilarious deadpan and seriously detailed 10-minute “Football Instructional Song,” (soundcloud.com/beatbabies/football-instructional-song).

Then ask: Do you want quiet-ish or riot-ish? Fed Hill bars will probably be on the wilder end of things, but Mother’s (1113 S. Charles St., [410] 244-8686, mothersgrille.com) is trying to make sure it doesn’t get too wild to watch the game. “We are reducing our capacity for Super Bowl Sunday in order to ensure that our loyal customers get a chance to hang for the game,” the bar’s website reads. The indoor tables are sold out, and it will cost you $10 to get onto the Purple Patio.

If you like naked women with your sports, Scores Baltimore (615 the Fallsway, [410] 528-1117, scores-baltimore.com) is the place to go, with free admission during the game, food and drink specials, and 20 TVs with surround sound. The dancers won’t be dancing during the game—unless you go off to a private room. And the bar serves some kind of purple concoction called a Ravens bomb.

For something a little more mellow, Homeslyce in Mount Vernon (336 N. Charles St., [443] 501-4003) boasts the largest TV in town. Whether or not it is actually THE biggest, it is huge and they also have smaller sets at a number of the tables.

Pretty much every bar will be trying to cash in on the big game. So the most important thing is to find somewhere close to home or find a designated driver. The cops will be out in full force, so if you start too early and can’t even walk to a bar, follow us on Twitter @city_paper and we’ll watch the game for you.

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