When we first started handing out the Alties™, our annual alternative Academy Awards in 2002, Wes Anderson was wowing movie nerds everywhere, not just his own dwindling cult; people were actually excited to see Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman act onscreen; 3D was a ridiculous old relic of the days when movie studios were worried about losing out to TV; and streaming was something tears did on an actress’ face when she was really going for a little gold statuette.

So much has changed since then. And yet so much hasn’t. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences may have switched up its rules for Best Picture nominees twice in as many years, but the slate of nominees is still filled with legacies (War Horse, not even the best Steven Spielberg movie released last year—that’d be Super 8), successful heartwarming crap (The Help), and titles possibly most distinguished by how hard their studios lobbied for their nominations (our pick: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close). Which isn’t to say that all the movies suck—2011 was a great year for movies in a lot of ways, and not just from the fringes—but Hollywood’s chosen form of recognizing excellence remains a frustrating, uneven patchwork of popularity contest, self-congratulation, and cluelessness, all encapsulated within an overlong televised pageant studded with bad jokes and ridiculous musical numbers. (If you don’t have a place to watch it, we’ll have it on over at our house.)

And so, for the 10th year running, City Paper offers its own slate of awards, some granted with heartfelt respect, others with eyebrow-raised, nose-holding contempt, all thanks to contributions from Lee Gardner, Erin Gleeson, Bret McCabe, Max Robinson, Brandon Soderberg, and Violet LeVoit. And no, we couldn’t resist a joke about Michael Fassbender’s dick. The Alties™ go to. . . .

Best Comedy: Bridesmaids

Best Short Film (Horror): the first half of Insidious, when it was a creepy-as-shit haunted-house flick, before it turned into an homage to Poltergeist starring Darth Maul’s kid brother

Best Sci-Fi: Attack the Block. Bret McCabe: Not only is it incredibly smart and a genuine good time, but with gems like “Calm down Biggz, this ain’t Pokemon” and “No one is going to call you Mayhem if you keep acting like such a pussy,” it deserves to be endlessly quoted by bros over drinks.

Best Documentary: Project Nim

Best Kid’s Movie: Rango

Best Disappointing Kid’s Movie, Even by Kid’s-Movie Standards: Cars 2

Best Movie That Made No Sense but Was Good Anyway: The Tree of Life