- What the Hell Just Happened?
I’m getting fifty bucks more per column!
- The Future of The “Mr. Wrong” Column is Uncertain
I’m still not at the point where I don’t care about City Paper.
No ill effects on termites! Yow!
- Difficulty Swallowing
I would like to take a nap right now, you know?
- Hometown Boys
Baltimore-bred Hollywood-types explain how to get a movie made
- The City of Positivity
I live in The City of Baltimore, Maryland, America, and I pay my fucking taxes
- Super Bowl is the Polar Vortex of America
It’s generally a good idea to not think too much about anything during Super Bowl.
- Tanner’s Pickles
The home base and retail outlet of the burgeoning Tanner’s Pickles empire
- Booze Issues
Getting bombed is my Constitutional Right as a Citizen of Earth.
- Readers Write
This might be a first for the “Mr. Wrong” column, you know, that a question got answered?
Where would we be if Jesus H. Christ decided He wanted to drop his G_d-Given middle initial?
- Resolution Evolution
Ultimately it all ends up at “I will be a better Human Being,” or, if you are Evil, “I will be an even more Evil Human being than I have ever been in my entire Evil existence, be it so Resolved.”
- Gimme Xmas
I am a huge re-gifter.
- Let’s Top Ten!
You can make your own Top Ten list and put it anywhere you want, or send it to me at email@example.com.
- I Love a Parade
The Holiday Season is a time for learning, and one of the things The Children need to learn early is: Life is full of Disappointments. No parade this year, kids!
- Total Recall
Jeez, my house is a potential death trap, man, it’s worse than Cold and Flu Season up in here.
- A Hunger for Games
Football qualifies as a blood sport, and I am unenlightened enough to consider Super Bowl one of my High Holidays.
- All The Holidays Stuffed Into One
Spending money is why many people hate The Holidays, and also, at the same time, for many Americans, the Active Ingredient of any The Holidays is buying stuff.
- Here’s Zero Crazy Tips for Reading this Amazing Column
Wowee, way too much of everything, have you noticed, on the Internet, is announced in headlines as “Amazing” or “Crazy” or “The Most” whatever or “Insane” or “Awesome,” eh? Seriously, have you noticed this?
- I’m in Miami Bitch
Gentle reader of the “Mr. Wrong” column, I am about to do something never before done in the entire 15-year history of columning the “Mr. Wrong” column.
- Tipping Point
Who the fuck decided “hazelnut” is a flavor-thing that belongs in coffee?
- Barack Hussein Obama(care)
I don’t know about you—I mean, because how could I, this column is all about me, me, me—but I’m totally burned out on all this Budget Shutdown Budget Showdown stuff, you know?
- Go Wash Your Hands RIght Now
In the name of Pontius Pilate, Patron Saint of hand-washing, go wash your hands.
- CP: [Laughs]
Richard Lewis plays Magooby’s, promises “I will not comment on the name Timonium”
Hey annoying motorist, why you gotta be all tail-grabbin’ my ass when we are both now in a position to see The Future in front of us, as in, Red Light.
- Please Don’t Hurt BESTY™
We’d like to offer to somehow get the BESTY™ hands and feet to the kidnappers, because it’s sad to think BESTY™ doesn’t have his hands and feet.
- Off the Beaten Path
Joseph Gordon-Levitt writes and directs a provocative date movie—but probably not a first-date movie, OK?
- Inside Information
I have a lot of Opinions about how the paper should be run, and if I owned it, they wouldn’t be Opinions anymore, dig?
- School Should Still be Out for Summer
Who learns anything in August while the swimming pools are still open?
- Write Wrong
Vacation! I hope you had one or get one real soon.
- Think Table Talk Pie
City Paper talks Apple, Ashton Kutcher, and the tiny pie with Jobs folk
- The Vacation is Right
I go away for one lousy week and it turns out to be the one week The Price Is Right hits town to recruit contestants? How can this happen?
- Misery is Back
What do I need with risking all my hard-earned lottery winnings on you and your fakakta Get Rich Quick scheme? You wanna get rich, buy a Powerball like me, and then relax, it’s good for your back.
- The Route 27 Bus Makes Me Sad
I am on the brink of an irrational and abiding hatred of the No. 27 bus, which sometimes takes me from my house to my job or from my job to my house in as little as 45 minutes. Sometimes.
- Double Dipping
Would you like to work at selling teakwood Ice Cream Scoopers?
- All Glory is Fleeting
There’s no way this story couldn’t have triumphed in Award Combat, its enemies driven before it (no offense to the non-winners), in a Conqueror’s Triumph. Cheese Fish!
- A Fifth of July
Fuck winter, man! Let's go get a snoball at the exact opposite time when you can make one out of dirty snow off the street! I want a blue one!
- One Simple Trick to Turn Litter Into Money
If that Bay Bridge was run by a private company, you think it would cost six bucks to cross it?
- It Is Better To Win Than To Be Good And Get Fired
One of the other fine columns the “Mr. Wrong” column beat out for the award of “Best Column” was the “La Dolce Musto” column, written by Michael Musto, formerly and forever from the Village Voice paper of New York City, America.
- Emphasis Mine
When I holler, I need some refreshment to help keep my hollering muscles toned and lubricated.
- Full-Koch Press
This Freedom of the Press thing cuts in all Directions, man, you make a Press, go out and buy a Press, you have Freedom of it. America.
- Scratch to Dream
My American Dream of turning an entire week’s worth of paycheck for the Mr. Wrong column into kabillions of millions of dollars is officially over.
- Chillin’ in The City That Sweats
Even if you don’t believe in Global Warming, soon it will be hazy, hot, and hellishly humid here in Baltimore.
- Go For the Giant Cans of Import Beer.
- A Hero Ain’t Nothing but a Manwich
The third Iron Man movie is better than the second one but not as good as The Avengers
- Column Helper
Before I begin this week’s “Mr. Wrong” column, I would like to give you an update on the One Hundred and Fifty Dollars and No Cents’ worth of scratch-off lottery tickets I bought with the very first paycheck I received in remuneration for this, the New, Imp
- Mr. Wrong
The City That Leaves the Left-Turn Blinker on
- Still Scratchin’
I bet a lot of people scratch-off some scratch-offs and don’t even realize they won, especially if they are in a dimly lit environment, you know?
- Doing what I love: Scratch-Offs
If I type: “I love to Get Paid,” I receive the sum of 75 cents, I Love that!
- Fit to Print
UMBC presents a cropmarks-and-all look at newspaper photographs
- The Place Beyond the Pines
The Place Beyond the Pines
Directed by Derek Cianfrance
Wow, this is not an easy movie, but what a great movie, and what a novelty.
- Please Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself
Yeah man, so now I am back, Getting Paid on a weekly basis to leave words on a page for you, the Gentle Reader. It's up to you to read them.
- Junket Junkie
Scottish celebrity meets a Baltimorean
- Olympus Has Fallen
Every few years, Hollywood rolls out an Action Movie that tries to maim, kill, or otherwise harm The President of The United States of America.
- A Good Day to Die Hard
Bruce Willis, America’s posterboy for male-pattern baldness,
- Not Fade Away
A well-controlled and surprisingly not-depressing story about real life behind the music.
- Hopkins Pizza
2724 Remington Ave., (410) 554-9797, Open seven days, 10 a.m.-midnight
- Best Wishes
Next week is my annually favorite episode of Baltimore’s Best Alternative Weekly, to wit: Best of Baltimore! It is the Best, seriously, there are some other printed-on-paper publications publicating their own Best-ofs out there, but nobody brings the Bes
- Bitter Pizza to Swallow
I HOPE THIS IS A trick or a publicity stunt or a way to get somebody interested in buying into their business, but I read on The Baltimore Sun’s Internet at 4:05 p.m., EDT on June 15, 2012, by Richard Gorelick, all about how Iggies, which is a place that
- The real Sterling Coopers at work
Taschen volumes feature two decades of Madison Avenue selling the sizzle
- Mid-Century Ads: Advertising From the Mad Men Era
Taschen volumes feature two decades of Madison Avenue selling the sizzle
- I win!
A couple-few weeks ago I announced a contest for people to become Editor-In-Chief of your Baltimore City Paper, or hey, better yet, about how I, me, the writer of the “Mr. Wrong” column, should be Editor-In-Chief.
- Help Wanted
Have you ever thought about being an Editor-in-Chief of a Major Metropolitan Alternative Newsweekly?
Hey, this paper you are holding or web site you are clicking on is looking for a new Editor-in-Chief, did you know that? Yeah, that is gonna be an exc
- Bicycle Issues
Sometimes I walk my bike downhill, seriously.
- Jim Breuer
Q&A with Goat Boy, Dad, and a Spiritual Warrior Jim Breuer
- Opening Day-After
So this week is Baseball Season, the beginning of it, and I’m totally into it, attending Baseball Games, even though I generally don’t start “paying attention” to Baseball Season, statistically, with “The Standings” and stuff
- Reach for the Skybox
Your server works for tips.
Oscar-winning doc focuses on what it takes to compete when you can’t
- Ready, Go, Set!
So I think it looks like there is probably-maybe gonna be another Baltimore Grand Prix of go-fast cars here on the Streets of Baltimore, and I am in favor of it, because I am in favor of all kinds of events and activities that are supposed to be good for
- “Entrepreneurial Center” = Free Parking
Politically wired company reneges on job creation
- Bank Holiday
This is one of my most favorite times of the year, seriously, but not because of the weather, because, like, no offense, even if it’s “good” for February, it’s still February all up in here on the mid-Atlantic chunk of the Eastern Seaboard where I dwell,
- A Big Bowl of Sad
Wow, hey Baltimore, I’m sorry man, nobody wanted to think about Your Baltimore Ravens losing, but damn, nobody ever thought they would go out like that, on a last-minute missed field goal, ouch, seriously, that is, well, it is just Sad, you know? They co
- The End of the Year as We Know it
Hey, it’s a New Year! Did you have a good New Year’s? Are you having a good New Year? It’s a lotta pressure, huh? A shiny New Year!
People get all excited about how it’s the End of the year because that means it’s almost the Beginning of the year, when
- Interview With Patton Oswalt
The performer talks about writing, acting, and the Golden Age of Baltimore comedy
- Young Adult
After her divorce, writer Mavis Gary retuns home to small-town Minnesota.
- Top 10!
Hey, I dunno if you noticed yet as you flip through these pages of paper or pixel, but this week is one of my fave-rave editions of Baltimore’s Listiest Alternative Weekly, namely Top 10, where we, as in all the people who write words into the paper and d
- Menu Design in America
Massive tome celebrates 135 years of the humble menu
- Major Taser
I don’t like being cut off from reality, and if I corked up my earholes it’d be nothing but the Voices and the Bad Music bouncing around all up in there, no thanks, you know?
Next week is Halloween, and no offense, but I am not observing it this year, on account of I am going to be enjoying a vacation in Mexico as a tourist.
- Thunder Soul
Thunder Soul is a joyous, touching, and inspiring documentary about the 2008 35th-year reunion of the Kashmere High School Stage Band of Houston, Texas.
- Fundamental Lack of Respect for the Mr. Wrong column
So yeah, the Mr. Wrong column is a lot like Where the Sun Don’t Shine, except it is an Award-Winning Where the Sun Don’t Shine for the year Two Thousand and Eleven, see?
- Bobcat Goldthwait
The multi-hyphenate comic talks about his new film, the endangered truth, and Diablo Cody cramming it
I am still hyped about this Grand Prix that is gonna happen here in Baltimore, Maryland, America.
- It is an Honor to be Nominated But it is Always Better to Win
The Mr. Wrong column has been selected as the “First Place,” i.e., the “best” column in the Association of Alternative Newsmedia “AAN Awards”
- Cowboys & Aliens
You don’t have to think, just let it happen.
- Captain America: The First Avenger
This is the latest comic-book movie about a guy who gets made into some sort of super soldier.
- It Is An Honor Just To Be Nominated
From the Wireless Keyboard office in The Future in my new Temporary Headquarters within the Wynn Hotel Las Vegas, Nevada, Earth.
- Green Lantern
A hotshot test pilot is given a magic ring by the police of the universe.
- Super 8
This is a fun summer-blockbuster kind of movie set in the late 1970s/early ‘80s, and it looks and behaves like a Steven Spielberg movie.
There’s a lot of crap out there on the Internet that I don’t understand.
- X-Men: First Class
Our latest attraction in the Summer of Comic Book movies is a Prequel, Reboot—hey, let’s call it a Preboot, OK?
- Everything Must Go
Omnipresent funnyman Will Ferrell changes it up and goes serious as a guy who loses his job, wife, etc.
- Mission Accomplished
I am gonna miss Osama Bin Laden. Now please don’t let me be misunderstood here, OBL getting double-tapped out doesn’t change anything for the thousands who got blown up in the towers or killed fighting wars in all the places we (as in U.S.) have been warr
- Cedar Rapids
A socially stunted insurance salesman is forced to attend the titular convention, schmooze it up, and vie for a Prestigious Award with the future success of his company in the balance.
- Bill Burr
On podcasting as career tool and place to be a jerk
- Taxation Combination
I don’t wanna harsh anybody’s mellow or anything, but the deadline for filing the Income Taxes here in the State of Maryland is April 15.
This comedy movie is “Rated R for language including sexual references, and some drug use,” but it’s a gentle and funny “R” in the hands of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.
- Battle: Los Angeles
This is a movie about Space Aliens attacking the Earth: KA-BOOM, yeah.
- Drive Angry
If you can’t take a movie with gore and tits and ass and mayhem and cars and shit that blows up real good and naked bitch-slapping and crude but effective dialogue and guns and bigger guns and cigarettes and ass-whuppings then stay home.
- Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
A big, fat, stinky adventure in sequel-milking.
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